WHEW!

I had a fun night. oooooo it was fun fun fun!

It involved me, Sierra Leone, captain morgan, and the palpable vibe between us

I wish I could write graphically like I used to.. but I just can't. Let's just say that a great time was had by all, and I would be perfectly happy for that type of fun to be repeated as much as possible ;)

Today I feel... pretty satisfied with that whole situation. I am very comfortable with him. To the point where I tell my stories, and things just go really naturally. Plus he lives very close. This guy is a prime contender for main cuddle buddy. So far, every time we are parting ways, he makes a future date to hang out. I like that.

I feel kindof sprung. damn.

Playa Playa

Well, I have changed my dating strategy. I was originally feeling that I would like to "date with a purpose", which basically means, I do not want casual relationships, casual sex, etc.

I have found that dating this way is not easy at all. In fact, I think it will be a raging failure, so I have loosened the reigns.

I am now trying to relax a little about the whole thing. Instead of focusing on one guy at a time, fuck it! I will just keep a stable of possibilities. I have done it before and it works decently. The main issue is that men pretty much just HANG IN THERE until you give up the panties. sigh.
I have 2 guys most recently

** There is the guy who is from MS that sounds dumb as rocks when I talk to him. We had some amazing chemistry the first time we hung out. But after an unsavory conversation yesterday, (where I asked him a question and he got defensive), I am so turned off, I really don't care if we ever speak again. really.The thing is, when a man's conflict/resolution style is immature, I just can't hang. Not these days. Not now. I have no patience for the mundane arguements, especially when arguing with someone extremely below my intellectual level. It disgusts me. Like arguing with one of my children.

**Last night I hung out with a 25yr old who is from Sierra Leone and on track to get his Pharmacist degree. He was pretty direct about not wanting anything serious because he plans to attend grad school out of state within a year or so. His dreams include buying a house, then doing the wife and kids thing. He and I are not a match whatsoever in that regard, as my life is the opposite of that. I have the family and am now starting my education again! However, he may be a possibility for a cuddle buddy/casual affair, as he lives only a few blocks away, and clearly liked me. But someone please tell me.. what's up with people that CLANK TEETH with you when kissing?? So weird, and I don't know how to make it stop. LOL I liked him okay, but again, this is a guy that will just wait me out for sex. Its already obvious.

These are the 2 most recent points of interest in mission: Try to get a Life. They have broken up the monotony a little, so I'm cool with it. Sierra Leone guy has already made a future date for Saturday night. What I like about that guy is that he has some serious ambition, and has achieved a lot already. He has things to talk about. He seemed pretty forthcoming about his life and asked me a lot of direct questions, which seemed like he was fielding me to see where I fit into his rotation. Thats cool, cuz I was doing the same thing. I find that where I beat out my competition has everything to do with me being laid back about not chasing a guy, interrogating him, or emasculating him. I make it easy. I think i can maybe have some dating fun if I lose the expectations of everyone, and keep enough guys on the roster that I am entertained sufficiently without focusing on anyone. Yes, I know this is sortof a defeatest way to go about things, as I am succumbing to the ways of this world. I'm sure it's temporary. LOL

Man Delivery!

Well, I just had a nice and interesting convo with my 23yr old maintenance man:) I think I'm doing pretty good when I have a man show up on my doorstep at 830pm, and then let me know he is available to get to know me and wants to know if his age is an issue. hehe I guess that would be the silver lining in the broken pipe and flood in my downstairs bathroom. LOL

sigh

Its depressing. The level of fuckery going on in this world on a regular basis.

So many people just don't give a fuck anymore.

People are SELFISH

Just hurting each other and not giving a damn.

I guess I am getting used to it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. and piss me off. and make me feel like crap. It just means it does not SURPRISE me anymore.

I am very grateful that when I pray to God to reveal things to me, He does.

This is His way of protecting me I suppose. Lord KNOWS I NEED IT.

I guess this is part of the reason why I stayed with the boyfriend, even through the neglect, for the past year. I felt like he was honest. He did not tell me what I wanted to hear.

I guess I gotta shake this one off, and charge it to the game.

King Dousche

I recently met this nice young man by the name of Brian Lovelace. Age 26, single, 2 daughters, lives in Mount Vernon. He is a personal trainer and training for the olympics.

We met at Dennys for coffee, late one evening. We had originally met online, and had innocently chatted a little here and there over the past couple months. He had originally contacted me through a dating site we were both a part of.

This same guy is also "Mr Universe" as mentioned in a couple of previous blog posts.
I tell this guy that I am not feeling a jump off situation, and that I would like to take things slow and really get to know him. Of course, he agrees that this is a great idea.

2 wks after our original get together, which was (Oct. 9, 2009), he came over.

He brought movies that he had burned. Paranormal Activity was the one I was interested in. It got over right around midnight.

He mentioned it being the "witching hour" and had to go. I joked that was he going to turn into a pumpkin or what?

As we hugged goodbye, he started nibblin on my neck... we made out, it got kindof hot and heavy..

This progressed to grown up activities that come after that. This did NOT include S.E.X., as I was not trying to go there ANY time soon. (we all know giving it up too easily kills the fun!)

I finally kick him out. We both agree that we had a good time.

This was 3 days ago.

Today, I was fartin around on good ol google, and decided to google mr. lovelace. What did I find?
I found a myspace page, belonging to a woman who will remain nameless, to not humiliate her specifically with this story. We'll just say she has the same first name as me, (which can not be found on this blog, so don't try). She is white like me, red hair like me, a bit chunky like me. I noticed her #1 friend is "Brian Lovelace". However, his page is private, and no picture.
I start looking through her pics.

LOW AND BEHOLD. My Jesus continues to protect me from harm. I found.............

Pictures of his wedding. Which took place a MONTH AGO.

Yes, pictures of he and his bride, their daughters, their friends.

From A MONTH AGO.

sigh.

I realize that this girl is living my nightmare. Anyone that knows my story, knows I dodged the "marriage to a pathological liar and cheater" bullet, 2 weeks before the wedding last year. And have 2 kids by that dousche bag.

So here I am, wondering what I should do here.

I have not told him that I know yet. I am still just fucking PISSED that ANOTHER LYIN ASS DOUSCHE BAG TARGETED ME!!!!

I wasn't sure if she would appreciate me contacting her, or if she would rather live in ignorant bliss. I know that I was GRATEFUL GRATEFUL GRATEFUL when women unwittingly were coming out of the wood work on my ex dousche bag.

I don't want to rock her world like that. It sucks ass!! It changes EVERYTHING! She JUST got married! She is probably over the moon with happiness. He is probably fucking other women before or after the gym every day like my ex dousche did.

So, he is claiming that they have been broke up about a year, that he lives with a bible thumping Jesus freak in Mount Vernon. That she lives in Bellingham. I find it strange that he can video chat with me all hours of the night, doing little strip teases and such. I mean, maybe she works nights? or goes out? Not sure. I know both times I have spent time with him, it has been a Friday night. He keeps telling me that our "relationship" will go as fast or slow as I want it to.

NEWS FLASH you moron. I was not born yesterday and i know how to use the fucking internet!! As soon as I found out his last name I googled him. But that day, I didn't try very hard. Today I got my answers. I had that adrenaline rush you get when you start busting someone. What a TERRIBLE FEELING.

Please don't be him!Please don't be him!Please don't be him!

DAMN!!!!!!!!! It's FUCKING HIM!!!!!!!!!!! WHY????????????????????????

Look, it's no big deal. I'm not in love or any such nonsense. I am just INSENSED that I ran into another one of these SO SOON!!! I mean, are they EVERYWHERE? SOCIOPATHS?? THese people are fucking monsters plaguing the planet. They seem to be in greater numbers up here in Seattle area.

This blog entry is dedicated to the loving wife. I'm sure she is a wonderful person who does not deserve this shit, and I will be NO PART OF IT. FUck that mother fucker for doing that to that girl and their little ones. If she ever goes looking for answers, hopefully Mr. Google will lead her here. I don't want to reach out and rock her world. If she wants to know, the info is now here.

Sorry girl.

randoms

I had a fun hangout on Friday with Mr. Universe. We watched "Paranormal Activity" and I made my almost famous White Chocolate Mochas:) The movie was pretty scary. The vibe, was comfortable. He is clearly comfortable around me and in my home. I can't say I take the situation seriously. I am having a hard time getting over his age. So far I can honestly say that he hasn't showed his age at all. I am being very direct in this situation, which so far he is working well with. My LAST "relationship" was with a person who doesn't take instruction at all. This guy, when I tell him what I would like to have happen, he does it, and CONSISTANTLY does it. (so far)

One of the main things I like is that every time I ask him a question through text, he calls me to answer it. Even if it's an uncomfortable question.

He asked me the other day if I am looking for a husband, or what I am looking for. I said I am looking for a meaningful relationship, and if it's not meaningful, then I don't want it. Marriage? who knows. I can't imagine feeling that sort of comfort level with a man. I'm looking for that man that is not selfish. The last two were VERY selfish, and I don't want to that.

I am noticing lately how broke everyone is. It seems like EVERYBODY is strugglin big time. I am doing okay because my job hasn't changed, but my ex husband has gotten real sketchy with child support. Also, I have too much $$ out there that I have lent to people that I trusted implicitly, only to find out that, just like their expenses were so important when they asked, their situation NOW is more important then paying back a single mom with 4 kids. sigh.

I will not be loaning again. I mean, these 2 people, I would NEVER IMAGINE they would make light of paying me back!! I mean, both of these people pretty much only provide for themself. ONE PERSON. It's so insulting and hurts my feelings. The girlfriend I loaned it to is NOW making it a priority, so I guess I am currently only talking about the guy, who said he would see if he has $200 to "spare" on the first. It did not sound very promising. And that's only half of what he still owes.

It is true what my mama told me.."NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED".

It's Sunday. This is my day to cook, laundry, and work, while juggling the kids. yaaaaaaay. LOL

1812 Overture "Tchaikovsky"

It's the strangest thing. Whenever I hear this song, it moves me to tears. within like the first 2 minutes. It is such a moving song to me. I think they should play it at my funeral. LOL

I was looking for used bassoons online today. I used to play. pretty well. I had no idea, while in highschool/college, that the borrowed instrument I was toting around was probably worth 10K or more. In looking online, most used bassoons are WELL over $6000. There are a couple around $3000, but they are probably crap, right?

It is very disappointing to me, that I may never again be reunited with my love..(bassoon) due to it being so damn expensive. I always dreamed of playing in a symphony.

I was watching this show on MTV last night, about young people who had 6 figure jobs, and then lost their job due to the economy. They could not find a job after that. I mean, one ended up working as a waitress at a restaurant and lacky at a nail salon. One eventually got a hook up from a friend after about 6 months, and the other was trying to do her own business, but only made $40 in a month! It made me afraid to start going back to school. My current job is not AWESOME, but it is the best I have had, and not too shabby. It seems that the job market is so crap, it may be stupid to quit my job/or cut my hrs to pursue education. sigh.

Mr. Universe did NOT come over the other night, and I am sticking to my boundaries. GO ME:)

I've been thinking about baby daddy. I am worried about him. I just can not wrap my mind around his level of fuckery. I think he is mentally ill. That thought is what makes me feel sympathy and worry. Maybe he is crazy and just never diagnosed. I just thought he was selfish, but this shit is just waaaaaay beyond normal. He is living as a homeless person just to avoid child support? I don't get it.

I watched the movie: Falling Down yesterday. I love that movie. It's about a guy who loses it one day. He kills quite a few people through out the day. He kills anyone who gets in his way or pisses him off. I would never do such a thing, but sometimes I think I want to. LOL (shhhhhhh that is our little secret)

I'm trying to figure out if I want a readership for this blog. I know if I use this URL when commenting on others.. that it will bring readership, but it makes me nervous. I'm stranger than most people know. LOL

babydaddy sighting!

Wow. I said I wanted some excitement, and I got it that night.

I received a couple of texts around midnight from my cousin, who I have not spoken to in 3 months or so. She told me babydaddy was at the casino, and that her friend was cussing his ass up one side and down the other and made such a scene that they got kicked out. The crazy part to me, was that she said he looked like a homeless person. He was dirty. Needed a shave and haircut. He was wearing an old highschool sweatshirt, SHORTS (in this cold wet weather), and some old kicked in shoes. She also said he looked like he might be on something. He had a slow reaction to everything they were saying. He was hanging out with an obese white couple. They were following him around watching him play slots. Weird.

It made me feel... kindof satisified that he is strugglin.. because HE FUCKING DESERVES TO SUFFER DAMN IT!!! On the other hand, I was glad I wasn't there, because I would have made him come home with me, get a shower, and just clean up. I would not be able to handle seeing him that way.

So that drama gave me and my cousin a reason to speak after a falling out. She and I went out last night. It was... no big deal. We had a little fun. Went to a club, which was pretty krunk, just too many white people. (seattle, go figure) I am QUITE hung over today and just feeling like DAMN. I have to go to work tomorrow?? HELL NO!!

My new love interest Mr. Universe is trying to come over later, and I don't want him to. First of all, I don't feel all that great, with the hangover and lack of sleep. I have a lot of work to do tonight to prepare for tomorrow. But the REAL reason is because I think if I have him come to the house, he will get too aggressive physically, and something will happen that should not be happening any time soon. The guy is very attractive, smart and charming. I would be fucking PISSED if things went to far. We haven't even kissed or anything. This would only be the 2nd time seeing him in person. But I have women's intuition and it tells me that he would be happy to get laid, and will be trying, even though I have clearly stated that I want to get to know him. SHIT. He is only 26. Don't want it to turn into one of those nights that makes me feel like I'm 16 again.. "no...nooooooooo..noooo!!!" "come on baby.. it's okay.. just let me put it in one time". LMAO!!

We'll see. I don't have all that much will power. Don't want to tempt the situation because I'm not ready for all that.

I have not heard a peep from exbf. He's honoring my wishes. Shocking.

Rainy Boring Night

It is raining hard here in good ol Seattle. The gutter is clogged, so the sound of a waterfall outside my front door is very loud.

I have come to an interesting point in life. I seem to have no friends and no boyfriend. damn.
It is Friday and I do not have anyone to call to keep me company. I must seriously be a heinous bitch to end up with no friends at age 33.
I'm cooking me steak and a baked potato for dinner. yuuuuum! Maybe I will put a log in the fire place.

Mr. Universe just called me. But I missed the call. I returned the call and left a vmail. lame.
I have a buzz going.. and its not from alcohol;)

I feel lonely a lot. I miss having a man around. It's been about a year and a half since me and babydaddy hit the skids. It's been a weird year. I started dating exbf when I was 8 months pregnant. That was very endearing, that he could see some beauty in me, even at such a big and awkward stage. That made me trust him. It all started out so well. He really made it a priority to come see me. He was very concerned whenever we had a misunderstanding or if i would get upset, he would take time to really talk it through and show that he cared. Within the first 2 months he had already fallen off so bad from making me a priority. Then I started to question if he really was faithful and loved me. From there.. (3rd month in) I had one foot out the door. I have ever since. So this break up is not totally out of left field. However, it was so sudden and ended up being such a rude thing in my opinion. My feelings are hurt. I'm pissed. I never wanted this to fail. I have tried so hard to be faithful and to be patient. In the end, its simply me asking to be treated with more respect, that is the straw to break his camels back?

I guess he is weak. I guess he never cared that much. Either way, I slowly figured him out. He is not as capable as I originally thought. In all areas. The things that impressed me are no longer there. He was financially stable. He was into church and his relationship with God. He had a
purpose.

Now? He has been humbled in several ways. It has been hard to watch. I think his situation is humiliating to him. I don't know why this always happens. Men fail when they are with me. The only exception would be the ex husband. He flourished with me. But most just quit their jobs or lose them, and end up homeless. Then we eventually break up when they are taking forever to get their shit together! grrrrrr

I'm so bored. I hope something exciting happens.

woooooooossah

Okay Okay. I admit it. After my big rant yesterday, I ended up cooking dinner a couple of hours later. I know. I'm a softy. sigh. I don't rage very often. Maybe 2 or 3 times a year. But when I do, I KNOW I am channeling my dad.

He was a rager. But it was almost daily, and it would be over something like a misunderstanding, a spoon on the counter, or maybe NOTHING.

I talked to the boys after it was all said and done. I told them I was sorry that I went so crazy. That I am a bad mom when I do that. That I love them, and I know how it feels to have a parent go postal on you. They were cool. They tried to make me laugh, and we all acted like it was all cool. I do try to talk to the boys when I make mistakes, so hopefully I can give an example about how to apologize, or admit mistakes.

Boyfriend, now EXBF, tried to reach me online 3 times since the big ol bullshit stab in the back break up. I do not plan to acknowledge him at all until the day he gets paid. And then we can discuss what form of payment he would like to make. I hope he doesn't get gully and show up at my job or house. If he does, I know I will feel obligated to talk to him.

I'm wearing some new jeans today. They are 'distressed', and I feel kindof.. edgy in them. LOL

I was up in the middle of the night for a couple hours last night, talking to a guy on the phone. It was fun. Not sure if he needs a name, but if he does, he is crowned, "Mr. Universe".. cuz he is fiiioooonnnnneeee with really big muscles and a winning smile! LOL (I have met him in person recently, but that is a story for another time)

I feel weird without the "boyfriend" in my life. It means I am single and can do whatever I want. This is usually not a good thing because of the boundary issues I have had. I am planning to do a lot better this time around, and stick to my rules.. whatever those are going to be. LOL

Bi-Polar

I just LOST IT on my 12yr old. When I say lost it, I mean I was throwing dishes on the kitchen floor and breaking them, screaming at the top of my lungs. The adrenaline is still pumping through me.

Why did I lose it? Because as I went to load the dishwasher he was supposed to unload, EVERY SINGLE DISH in it was the same dishes that he loaded yesterday. They ran through and were still dirty WHY??? BECAUSE HE DID NOT FUCKING RINSE THEM AND HE THINKS IF HIS LAZY FUCKING ASS LEAVES THEM IN THE DISHWASHER, HE WILL GET TO CONTINUE TO BE A LAZY FUCKING WASTE OF FUCKING SPACE!!!!

I started smashing dishes and screaming and he started crying, and now I am upstairs. I told him that NOBODY IS EATING DINNER because of this. FUCK IT. I GIVE UP. These little ingrates were waiting for me to get home to beg for me to order out pizza. When I explained that spending $30 on pizza will mean we have less for Halloween costumes, they did not care. They still wanted some pizza. I made an executive decision and said no. I will cook. I go to the kitchen and notice the sink is full of dishes. I go to the dishwasher and that is where i make my discovery.

So that's what's up. I am not dealing with these kids. I can't. This is one of those days where, if I had a husband, i would leave. And I would stay gone until very very very late.

But no. I am stuck here because everybody needs something. NO IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. IT NEVER IS.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY REAL POST:

BF BROKE UP WITH ME TODAY. I FINALLY DECIDED TO ERECT A BOUNDARY, AND WITHIN 2 MINUTES HE SAID, "WE NEED TO HAVE THAT TALK". (MEANING THE BREAK UP TALK)

LETS KEEP IN MIND I HAVE BROKEN UP WITH THIS FUCK BAG AT LEAST 8 TIMES.
I TOLD HIM A WEEK AGO THAT IF WE HAVE A BREAK UP TALK AGAIN, IT WILL BE NO CONTACT FROM THAT POINT ON

MAYBE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CALLING MY BLUFF. MAYBE HE THOUGHT I WOULD NOT STICK TO WHAT I SAID. I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID IT. I TOLD HIM TO HIS FACE THAT IT WOULD BE NO CONTACT NEXT TIME. SO FROM THE MOMENT HE SAID THAT, I SAID OKAY. PAY ME THE MONEY YOU OWE ME. OTHER THAN THAT BYE. (IN SO MANY WORDS)

I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DEALING WITH THAT SELF CENTERED ASS HOLE AGAIN. FUCK HIM.

ok so maybe i'm upset about the boyfriend thing and taking it out on the kids. I bent over backward for that mother fucker FOR A YEAR. and the end result? The FIRST TIME i tell him "you are not going to say that to me ever again", he says he wants to break up. What a fucking dousche bag. I should have tried the boundary thing a year ago, and we could have avoided all of this drama. What a fucking waste of time.

Baby Girl

I have a daughter who will be 2 right around Christmas time. She is so full of personality and learning to talk.. I just love her so. She is not my first child, but she is my only daughter. I cherish her. Even when she's trippin, I still look upon her with adoring eyes.

I was just thinking about Christmas. It is a couple of months away, but I feel the urge to put up Christmas lights! Thinking about how babygirl will be able to really participate this year! She gets to watch the Christmas cartoons, lick the beaters while mom makes cookies, listen to Christmas music, and open her own presents. ahhhhhhh how I love Christmas time! Her chubby little self runnin down the stairs in the morning to get her stocking! FUN!!!!

I really really love being the mother of my kids.

Boundaries

I started reading this blog recently, that is all about relationships and mostly about issues with asshats and douschebags.

In reading some of the entries, i realized something very important. I have no boundaries with people. Its funny, because MOST people that "know" me, have never figured that out. My theory is that I am physically intimidating by stature and demeanor, as well as intimidating in general because I am very direct and blunt. For this reason, many people perceive me to be a bitch and an aggressive person. The thing is, my communication style, and my character don't necessarily match.

So back to the boundarie issue. My lack of boundaries manifests itself in disfunctional relationships where I do the giving, tirelessly, and do not have my needs met, yet I hang in there. I have always taken pride in being a friend/girlfriend who STICKS. It has been more important for me to not be seen as disloyal, then to have my needs fulfilled.

Here I am at age 33, finally realizing that it isn't worth it. Who cares if people don't think I'm loyal, when THOSE PEOPLE are leaches on me?

The lack of boundaries also has to do with doing things I don't want to do, or even feel like I should not do, yet I do them anyway in an effort to be "cool" or "liked". I laid down the law for a girlfriend of mine yesterday. She is fucking off her whole life in a plethora of ways. I have been the ear for her, the shoulder for her, the ENABLER for her. Fuck that shit. So when she asked me to hook her up with her favorite medication, I told her no. I told her she needs to get her shit together before I do that for her. That I will not enable her to her destruction! You KNOW she was PISSED!!! She was crying, making excuses, and eventually I just left the situation without another word. I don't know if we will be okay or not, but I know that I created a boundary where there wasn't one. And I do feel good about that.

The other boundary I am working on is with my boyfriend. That one is much more complicated.

The lack of boundaries has to do with behavior I have made acceptable. Not being made a priority. Being kept in a certain compartment in his life. Not having any power in the relationship. The lack of power is SOOO unacceptable, and I don't think he realizes quite HOW out of character it has been, for me to allow him to be the shot caller at all times. I HATE IT.

The relationship is making it very clear what some of my issues are. This boundary issue is HUGE in my life. It has everything to do with my self esteem. Its hard to change my mentality from "I don't want people I love to be mad at me. I will be a doormat if that is what it requires to keep everyone happy".. to "fuck it, my happiness is more important than anyone elses, and I am going to be true to myself".

I tried to "break up" with the boyfriend for this exact reason. However, as usual, he is acting like we didn't have that convo, and just cleaning up his act a little. I don't see how I am going to successfully erect boundaries right in the middle of our relationship. I should not have to convince someone that I am important, or that I should be a priority. That is fucking pathetic. really. Since he is not respecting my wishes, and carrying on as if nothing has changed, I will watch and wait one last time. (only because I do love him, and of course I would love for US to actually work out).. If he can't respect my boundaries this time around, then it will become NO CONTACT between us. period.

I guess my 30's are the "working on me" years. My 20's were spent wildin out and trippin for the most part. Making bad decisions, not running my own life because I allowed myself to be pushed over by so many people in my life.

I have a lot of regrets.

I have been non-confrontational and passive aggressive. The "funny" part is that all of this people pleasing has not even worked! I have very few friends in my life. Very few people that even check for me. So, if I am going to be flying solo anyway, might as well do it with my personal integrity in tact. This doesn't mean cussing everyone out. It just means doing the right thing for me and my family, whatever the cost. Even at the cost of pissing people off/alienating people.

I broke up with my boo today:(

Not sure how to feel about it. I think it was the right thing to do.. for me. I'm not sure if it was right for him. We weren't fighting or anything. It is time for me to set some new boundaries for myself as far as how people are going to be allowed to treat me.

Delivered

The strangest thing has happened. Well, not THAT strange. My Jesus has answered by prayers once again. And I am soo sososososo grateful.

My prayer was along the lines of "please reveal to me enough, that i will never again be tempted by babydaddy. Please protect me and my family from any evil he tries to bring this way".

This all happened a couple of months ago, but I would like to write about it for posteritys sake and to reflect on it.

I found out some crazy ol BS about baby daddy.

For example: he had another baby within the year we were broke up, and some girl is 4 months pregnant by him now. These are only the ones I KNOW about. (this would be 7 kids total and counting)

He was having full blown affairs while I was pregnant with our first child and while we were planning our wedding. These people did not know I even existed.

I found out he has denied our son to the fullest. So much so, he refuses to show anyone a pic of him (because he is the spittin image of baby daddy)

He told everyone that I screwed his friends and family. That I am a super slut, and that I don't know who our sons father is. (I never met even one person he would call a friend, and his family lives thousands of miles away)

He has blamed me for every single thing that doesn't look "right" to the outside world that does not know his sociopathic ass.

He quit his job right after he got the child support order.

He skipped out on his apartment, leaving his roommate stuck with his half of the rent. He has disappeared. No one has heard from him in 2 months.

He has no idea I know ANY of this, and still has not bothered to contact me.

He had a porn issue

He had videos on his phone of him touching women while they are passed out unconcious in his bed.

He had a book in his room "Fathers Rights" and was telling everyone that he planned to get full custody of our daughter because I am a sucky mom.

At the same time, he was thanking me for being such a great mom, for holding it down. He has never accused me of cheating or anything like that.

It was very interesting to hear all of this from someone that worked with him and lived with him.

It was enough.

So much enough that I became "over him".

You see, despite all of our drama, his absence, his cheating, I STILL felt drawn to him and I didn't want to be. The truth has set me free. Finally.

I marvel every few days how much space in my head is NOT taken up by him now. Even though over a year has gone by since the big break up.. May of 08, I still thought about him every single day and probably many times a day. Feeling anger. Feeling abandoned.

He is a sick and lost individual. I was so disturbed by the extent and the mulititude of lies. The denying of our son so adamently, and telling everyone what a whore I am, when I was nothing but faithful and loyal? WHEW.

I was delivered.

Now the journey towards recovery.

My issues at this point, are clear. I have lost faith, trust and grace when it comes to men. It is very hard for me. Everything I believe out of a man's mouth, I don't really "believe". I just nod and pretend to agree. It is hard for me to fathom a man who is not a self serving prick. And if he seems like he is different.. i just can't believe it.

I have a lot of things figured out, as to how to proceed and not "get got" like that again. I wish it wasn't so hard to throw my emotions into the game, and just go with it. I feel like the enlightenment about my past relationship has helped me grow in many ways. It has also terrified me.

I guess I know what to pray for next. *wink*

"self esteem" is supposed to come from yourself!

I use this blog to purge. There are times where a certain thought/memory/etc gets stuck in my brain, and once I write it down, I can release it.

The consuming thought I am having right now concerns some time I spent with an old guy friend of mine. We'll use the same name I have always used for him in blogland: Virgo

I have NEVER been treated with such love, care and consideration in all my life. really.

1. He made sure to have milk and grapes in the house because he knows i like them.
2. He bought me a bottle of patron, a sack of the good stuff and a pack of cigs to get the party started, even though he doesn't drink patron or smoke.
3. Every time I texted him to see if he might be willing to come pick me up, he was THERE within 20mins. Even if he lived 30mins away. Johnny on the spot. NEVER MADE ME WAIT.
4. He cleared his whole weekend for me, even though I did not promise him much of my time.
5. He felt comfortable enough to take a nap, giving me free reign to snoop or whatever. I didn't. I read a magazine, looked at pictures, and played on my phone.
6. He remembers our entire 10yr history, and expressed to me with his actions and words, that I am important.
7. We have finally reached a point where we can discuss our current relationships/feelings about our futures, without me taking it personal, or him thinking I'm going to read something into the convo.
8. I felt like, for the first time ever with him.. that he loves me. And I told him that. I saw it in his eyes.
9. When my girlfriend's boyfriend came by Virgos house to bring me ID, Virgo knew I had been upset at the boyfriend and I generally do not like him. I went outside to collect my ID and was out there for about 3 minutes. Next thing ya know, Virgo is on his back porch, surveying the situation. I felt protected and I really appreciated that.

How did this all affect me?

I came home feeling very much.. like I had exhaled in a big way. This guy validated me in every way I was lacking. His care and attention to detail made me feel so loved. I came home feeling like a better person.

Having a guy that i love and respect so much, treat me with so much care, made me feel valuable. I wish I had that feeling inside myself, independant of other people. (and I think I do to an extent), but i really felt on cloud 9 with his loving attention.

I told him if I was on my death bed, I would want to see him. He is one of those people in my life.

The weird part was that I am currently in a committed relationship with someone else. I live thousands of miles from Virgo.

I kindof felt like I was cheating on my BF, because the way Virgo was making me feel.. was something you would normally get from a boyfriend.

The end result was, we had a great 4 days, we spent waaaaay more time than I expected, and we parted ways with a long hug, a couple ernest "i will miss you"s and a peck on the lips.

I will miss him. The memories that we made, just hanging out and talking.. i will hold near to my heart. always.

Pondering on a Lazy Saturday

Hmmmm.. I just read my last entry, and I am wondering if boyfriend read it. I say this because he told me he loved me like 5 times last night, and he specificially told me that i "get" him. I gave him my blog ID once, a while back.

Moving on, I hung out for a bit with the ex roommate of my dead beat baby daddy. Everytime I talk to her, I end up feeling so DISTURBED. I feel like I have a much clearer idea of the damaged person that he is.

I would go into detail, but it's just nasty. The good news is that I don't seem to have an emotional attachment to him anymore. Now, I feel like I'm having to deal with the aftermath, meaning my own issues that have developed as a result of the drama. The main issue is that I find myself questioning everybody's honesty. People that don't deserve it. People that have never lied to me. I FEEL untrusting and my mind does tell me that I'm trippin. But emotionally, I feel so afraid of being the dummy to the degree that I was before.

Boyfriend came over a few nights ago, and he did take the time to validate me. We have spent so much time being frusterated with each other as a result of me having unfulfilled expectations of him, and him dealing with his own drama.. that I had been telling myself for quite some time, that he really isn't all that "into me". The more I have been convinced of that, the more I have withdrawn from him. I have not given up, and I have not moved on, but the distant has been growing.

When he came over.. I had a chance to talk about ME and how I have been feeling about life in general. I can not describe how wonderful it felt, to cry on him, and let it all out. For him to BE THERE for me in a moment like that, meant a lot to me. Once again, the physical did not happen. But we talked about it, and I have a better understanding. He basically blamed me. LOL

He said I don't look at him the same way that I used to, and I know this is true. I think I have been looking at him with eyes full of resentment and disappointment, instead of the adoring eyes I started out with.

I can't change the way I look at him, until our relationship changes.

I want him to give me face time. I want him all up in my business more. I want to know that if I am feeling really needy and dying to see him, that he will drop everything to be with me! (yeah okay, that last one is probably not ever going to happen, but it would make me feel special)

Its been kindof a struggle to stay faithful and tuned in, with us being so distant most of the time. I'm shocked to find that it's not automatic for me to stay blindly loyal. What I mean is, when we are especially distant, I start thinking that i need to meet someone new. This is because in those moments, I am just SURE that we are not going to make it! Not because of me. Because of him. I am a person who values a good thing. And I do know a good thing when I have it. I would do anything for him. Thats the girlfriend that I am.

I am going on a trip in a couple of weeks. I will be seeing old friends and some old boyfriends/flings. Basically, whoever has bothered to stay in touch with me, is who I will be seeing while there. At first I was thinking it would be very hard for me to be a GOOD girlfriend while there. I've been mulling it over for a while, because I know I have to have my mind made up BEFORE I get there, or I will be swayed. There was a long period of time in this relationship where I was just sure we were about to be over. I don't feel that way right now. But it seems like he does step it up right when I'm about to get to steppin.

I want to be the best girlfriend/SO ever! But not to be the fool. Not to invest in a losing venture!

The reason I stick around is because we have developed a friendship that surpasses almost every friendship with a man that i have had so far in life. I can see that friendship carrying us through the years. I can see it being the foundation for a lasting and beautiful union for us.

Another thought worth mentioning is that I am sick of people's attitudes when it comes to relationships/marriages. When it gets hard? Just quit. Don't worry about it. I don't feel that way about this relationship. In fact, I feel this relationship is a crossroads in my life.

I'm really in a wack ass mood

I never write in this damn blog because I haven't even figured out what kindof blog this is.

I'm upset at my so called boyfriend.

Let's just say, I am terribly neglected emotionally and physically in the current so called "relationship". I have never dated a man who will leave for weeks at a time to see his mom/brothers/sister, like every other month, but I only see him once a week or every couple of weeks. I mean, WTF is that all about?

We haven't had sexy times in almost 3 months now. Yes yes I know. Obviously he is not my "boyfriend" and I just think he is right? Thats actually what I think too. I drove all the way out to his place (45mins) in the middle of the night, and when I got there, he just sucked on my titties and rubbed on me a bit. No kissing, no lovins. I mean, that was it. I feel like its very clear he is not feeling me, but he denies denies denies. Verbally, he is happy to reassure me that I am the only woman for him. But his actions make me feel completely insignificant.

So, what to do? I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a pathological liar, or a guy that seriously needs this LITTLE attention from his lady. What gives? And I guess, either way, neither scenario works for me at all. WTF am I doing?? Why am I even giving this guy a thought in my head? I just don't "get" him. And usually when I don't get somebody it's because they are lying their ass off.

See? When I write it down like this, it seems perfectly reasonable to kick his ass to the curb. It's just, when I see him in person, and we talk, he appears to be urgently 100% honest.

Bottom line, there doesn't seem to be any reason to hang in there. He doesn't validate me. He doesn't put in the work for a relationship. He doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. (this is an 11 month relationship)

I feel like a lame ass loser for even humoring this at all. And here I am humoring it for almost a FUCKING YEAR????? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

I guess its time to start shopping for a new man. sigh.

What am I lookin at? Is that the frank or the beans?

My 10yr old zipped up his junk today. I mean ZIPPED the head of his manhood into his jeans!

Poor baby was in a panic and I was at work! I had to rush home and commence to divorcing the zipper from the penis. Not fun but a complete success! Kindof swollen and red, but not bleeding or anything.

Good Feeling

I have a good feeling today:)

Me and boyfriend had some nice QT last night.

It was the first chance in months, for us to just relax together with no time limit, and connect.

The tv was off, and we were both in our right minds. We just talked, told stories, discussed us, etc.

I had to kick him out before 2am so I could sleep, but as I watched him walk away, I felt the warm fuzzies:)

We have been so distant physically and emotionally for so long, I have had serious concerns that we don't even know how compatible we really are. We never spend long periods of time together.
I am tired today. I only got maybe 4hrs. But I am happy.

I suppose this could go either way, but last night encouraged me a lot.

I believe in this guy. I've gone through some major shit with men, but this guy? He is different. He cares about people.

Last night confirmed for me that there is a lot of love and respect between us. I was getting worried that he was in my "friend" zone, and I was not going to be able to feel "girlfriendy" toward him (we haven't been intimate in quite some time). But the more time went by, the more I felt affectionate and close. love love love.

Sometimes I Wonder

What it would be like to be a lesbian.

I found this series on Logo online called Gimmee Sugar. It is a reality type series about a group of lesbians, and their drama.

After watching 3 or 4 episodes, I realized I had barely seen a hint of a man on the show. Then I thought about how these women seem to live their lives with NO MEN. period. A manless life.

Then I thought about how wouldn't that be nice. LOL Not to be constantly trying to figure out and relate to a person (man) who is so different than you.

These women are all friends, like girls can be, but then of course, I guess they finger bang each other and make out and stuff. (the show does not show any of that).

The more I watched it, the more i liked the comaraderie of the women, and the dynamic when men aren't involved.

I'm no lesbian. But for some reason, the show made me feel like being a lesbian is cool. LOL

A Good Time Was Had By All

Today was my oldest son's 12th birthday.

It was a sortof strange feeling.. sitting here with my ex husband AND baby daddy, and the 4 kids i have with them.

It was cool. Baby daddy came over a few hrs early and helped me to decorate. We were both in a good mood, so it was fun to hang out. He's getting more comfortable being more familiar acting with me. Meaning? Just finding reasons to touch me, and made reference to some mutual masterbation routine we used to have back in the day. Ahhhh the bad ol days. LOL

We mentioned how he hasn't been able to listen to John Legend's first album since we broke up because every song reminds him of us falling in love back in the day. The feeling is mutual. I can't listen to that stuff either.

He informed me he does not have plans for July 4 afternoon/evening, so we may hang out. We picked up our kids from daycare together today, and it was an odd feeling US picking up OUR kids. I wish he wasn't such a shitty person. Sometimes our eyes connect and I feel this old familiar feeling.

But despite any of all that, I have to always assume he is lying about everything at all times. That kindof sucks the fun out of everything. Makes it hollow.

So back to the birthday, I got my son a pair of heelys and some clothes. I encouraged everyone else to give money because he REALLY wants a Nintendo dsi. He has $120 already, so hopefully he will earn the rest from me, and realize the value of a dollar!

My cousin was here for the birthday. Her and baby daddy do NOT get along. However, they both played VERY nice, and I was overjoyed that it wasn't tense or weird. I need all these people to be able to mix without war taking place.

Me and boyfriend haven't spoken at all in well over 24hrs. Not sure how I feel about it. I thought I would feel more devestated. I think a part of me feels that since he was willing to suggest us breaking up, instead of compromising with me about the holiday, that he CLEARLY does not care about me very much. And maybe he really just doesn't. I have always taken his words at face value, but his actions don't necessarily match his words, so that has undermined things.

I don't want to make a mistake, and i don't think he does either. Whether the mistake be that we force a relationship, or the mistake being that we end a great relationship.

I worry that he won't ever know how to make me a priority. Even if we lived in the same house.

I have heard constantly, for quite some time, that if a man wants a woman he will do ANYTHING to have her. So I guess if dude can't even cancel plans with some random folks, and our relationship is that disposable.. what can I do? I can't do anything. Makes me sad:(

YAY!!!

I WON $700 TODAY IN A DRAWING!!!! HOW COOL IS THAT?

AGAIN

Me and boyfriend are on a "break" or it may possibly be a "break up" again.

Is it just me, or is 9 months a decent timeframe of being exclusive, where people actually consider each other on the holidays and stuff like that?

Turns out I have no plans for July 4. Every person I have spoken to recently that already has plans says, "what is boyfriend doing?" So, I finally asked him what he is doing. He is spending the day with some random parents and kids from his 3yr olds ballet class. Yeah. Never checked for me or what I'm doing.

So I express how this makes me feel, and he responds with something like, "maybe we should just end this now".

I feel, that if this FUCKER loved me, and in seeing just HOW upset this all has made me, he would happily cancel with those people and make plans with me. I AM HIS GIRLFRIEND OF 9 MONTHS. HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! We have treated this relationship like we have a future together. But obviously that is VERY one sided. A man that had found the right woman, or even a SIGNIFICANT woman, would choose her over some casual acquaintances. I felt he should have jumped in his car, drove over here, and let me know that I am loved, and that I am important. Instead? He threw in the towel WITH NO ARGUEMENT.

WOW i say.

Even though I am sitting here trying to convince myself that he does care for me, and maybe I'm trippin.. every time I think about how he so quickly threw that out there, I have to recognize, HE SUGGESTED BREAKING UP RATHER THAN COMPROMISE. What does that say about our relationship? I am to be the constant great compromiser, and its his way or the high way?? What kindof life is that for ANYONE?

I don't know. I'm on the fence. I am afraid for our relationship to end. I love him very much, and I feel that him being my man has been a positive in general. But I can't just be treated in any kindof way. And neglect is a form of abuse. period.

Onto other things, talked to babydaddy tonight for a bit. It started out pretty snarky because he was supposed to come over today and cancelled. He has lied so much in the past, that i don't believe anything he says. His excuse would be reasonable coming from someone else, but not him.

I did not jump his ass, but I let him know that was fucked up. He tried to talk over me and get the upper hand. I then burst into tears and told him I am not a door mat and I am FUCKING SICK of people walking all over me!!! Boyfriend fucking does it all the time. I am so nice and patient. I never get to decide anything. I just have to go along with what he decides. With babydaddy, he takes the bully stance with me. I tearfully explained to him that I feel mistreated lately by a couple of people, (including him), and NEWS FLASH. I GET TO HAVE A VOICE IN MY OWN LIFE. IF PEOPLE CAN NOT TREAT ME WITH LOVE AND CARE THEY CAN FUCKING PISS OFF!!

Something I said worked, because he lowered his tone, and softened it as well. Sometimes I think people see me as stone cold or something. I may seem "strong" to people because of all my responsibilities. However, I am a big cry baby and a fragile girl sometimes. I really do try to be fair with people and show love as much as possible.

The fact that I have no plans this weekend, that my own boyfriend has no time or desire to see me, as well as the fact I evidently have no friends.. it is causing me to feel both depressed and desperate.

I try to be insightful and I am constantly trying to gain perspective on how people perceive me, but I guess I am clueless. I am thinking I am not very likeable. Thats a fucked up thing to be figuring out at age 33.

Anyway, babydaddy is coming over tomorrow, and I will be glad to at least feel a hug and some adult interaction with someone besides my boss.

I don't know what my problem is. I suck!!

Boooooooooooooo!!!

I think one of the hardest things for me, is it never BEING ABOUT ME.

I have 4 children. It is about them OF COURSE.

I have a boyfriend who has a child, and a life.. Again, never about ME.

I feel selfish right now, and sometimes, even for maybe 30 mins, I NEED for it to be ALL ABOUT ME!! Not just while I am getting my pussy licked, but to have someone ANYONE tune into ME and let it be about ME.

I just feel so LONELY sometimes. I can't seem to shake that feeling. How am I lonely with 4 children? um, because they are KIDS. I miss having a partner. This sucks.

BORED

I feel bored.

Babydaddy came over AGAIN. So, turns out we have nothing to talk about. There are SO MANY topics that we can't discuss, that it leaves us with nothing but awkward small talk, and long stretchy silences.

I suppose it's for the best. No need to be bonding all tight and shit. He has already lied to me a few times, and it is taking a lot of energy for me to not bring up that shit, and just recognize that IT DOESN'T MATTER. There is no point in discussing his lies. It will just cause him to lie MORE to TRY to convince me he wasn't lying in the first place. I don't want to walk down ANY ROAD with him that stirs up our fighting tendencies.

I think the more time I am spending around him, the more I am remembering how we don't work together. I mean honestly, we do NOT have anything in common except our kids. The only thing we had in common before was trying to get in each others pants, and with that gone.. shoot. We got nothin!

Ah well. It is making things more clear for me. It's almost like this is bringing me CLOSURE. I always felt like he left me. I was looking at him today thinking.. what a selfish bastard. Why didn't I leave HIM? Ok ok. He did bring over some formula and baby crap, that he had on hand for some odd reason. It's just.. if you really pay attention to this dude, he doesn't care what anyone is talking about. He is VERY self centered. He is only good for surface interactions. It's kindof creepy. He is NEVER deep. I find that sad.

Anyways, enough about that loser.

I miss my boo. I want to lay around with him and watch a movie, and just BE. But alas, I am stuck at home with my many children, and a little herb to keep me company. A decent substitute for actual companionship, but falls a bit short.

YAY THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH

I was so sick yesterday and last night that I thought I might die. It's crazy how the human body tries so hard to expel whatever is inside you that is harming you. I puked AT LEAST 20 times yesterday. It was awful. My tummy muscles are so sore and I lost 5 lbs.

Life has this totally different dynamic now that the babydaddy has decided to come around.
So far so good. He has been VERY reliable and helpful with the babies. He hasn't been inappropriate with me.

He opened up a bit tonight and shared some about his feelings.

Basically said he is getting older, he has made so many mistakes with his other children. That all he wants is to be a part of our kids' lives, "no matter what".

I must admit, it is heart warming to watch him bond with the babies. Our daughter is warming up a little more each day. I can tell he will be really good at helping her expand her vocabulary. He talks to her and is constantly trying to teach her. I must admit, juggling 4 kids, I haven't done as well at that as I maybe could have.

We are trying to avoid talking about the past, though it did come up tonight. Some of these conversations we just have to get out of the way. I don't want to argue or be angry with him. I just have so many questions. I have never understood why things went down the way they did.
I know how good he is at schmoozing me. I find myself wanting to believe the things he says, but nothing he says can nagate that he abandoned our family. FOR A YEAR.

I HAD AN INTERESTING WEEKEND

I saw my babydaddy for the first time in a year. He came over to see our 2 kids, one which he had never met.

My boyfriend decided to be there. I was a little putoff by that at first, but I agreed to it, because he IS my man, and I love him and respect his opinion.

My first reaction was a racing heart, and I felt like I was breaking out in a sweat. Just seeing his face. It was a strange and surreal feeling. The last time he and I have had any real interaction that wasn't screaming and yelling, was us living together and planning our lives together. We have not really had to figure out how to have this other type of relationship.

It was hard not to be snarky and obnoxious, because the sarcasm I feel toward him just oozes from me. Every thing he says is crap. He is concerned he can not afford child support based on the state guidelines. Yet, he is wearing all Ed Hardy shit, designer jeans, and generally looked like a million bucks. Must be nice. FUCKER!!!!

Every single thing our babies have was bought by ME or a family member of friend. He has contributed NOTHING, yet I'm supposed to sympathize with him having a shitty job? I bet he lives with a woman who pays all the bills anyway. I think he is just greedy.

So it seems we will have to do this dance.

In my heart, I always want to believe the best of him, but at this point, I just can't. I think he was sent to this earth to destroy me. He plays me for a fool always. And I fall for it always.

This time will be different. My love was there to support me. That made me feel so protected and loved. I'm in a good and positive relationship that does not bring me pain. A relationship that is healing me.

I truly believe my relationship with ass hat has facilitated my current relationship in so many ways. I would never have fallen for my current man and loved him like I do, if I had not endured what I have been through. I have tended to be an adventure seeking, drama loving fool. But this experience burned me out on all that. Drama is not fun for me anymore. I appreciate loyalty, stability, and unconditional love. It is hard to come by and therefore priceless!!

Its strange that I feel a weight has been lifted off of me, with him coming around. I have worried about him all this time. Also, in my head, I have had this running idea, that plays in my head many many times a day, "you are a single mom with 4 kids. You haven't heard from him in a year." That crap does not make me feel good. It makes me feel very abandoned. I do not know his motivation for contacting me, but I am glad he did. I feel better.

I prayed a long and urgent prayer tonight. That God protect me in this situation. That he keeps me strong to set the pace and the rules of this situation, and that I am able to navigate this situation gracefully. I need to protect the babies from anything negative. I also need to be impervious to his bullshit and drama. I don't need it. Don't want it.

Time for a change

I feel like I am going through some sort of crisis emotionally. Not just the boyfriend stuff. I'm not where I need to be. Meaning, I keep looking around and seeing things that should be done better. Ways I would like to be different. I need to have the balls to make a list and start actually doing something about it!

The better me would:

Not be lazy

*she would have a clean and organized house
*she would have a routine
*she would put things away after she uses them
*she would teach the kids to do more complicated chores

Organized

*she would pay bills on time
*she would always know when appointments are
*she would call in the baxter order on time
*she would do things early. not late

Be emotionally independent

*she would learn to occupy her thoughts with more diverse ideas than just relationship drama
*she would learn to entertain herself with more productive things like not being lazy and being organized
*she would not be a pushover. She would say what she means, even at the expense of looking like a total bitch! (because face it.. most people that know you think you are a bitch ANYWAY. EVEN WITH being pushed over. That is BULLSHIT!!!)

Be more tuned into the kids

*create a family fun night
*make a schedule where I can spend 1/1 time with each child.
*figure out a fun trip for this summer
*meet their friends, and possibly parents of friends

Be more tuned in spiritually

*Pray on a regular basis
*Remember to go to God first with my problems. Not people.

Ultimately, I want to be able to say, "I have my shit together!" and currently I don't. I'm just flying by the seat of my pants as usual. I just decided today, that I should not move this summer. I had been planning to for a year now. But here it is staring me in the face, and I feel really insecure about moving. I've been paying rent late, my credit is in the crapper, I don't have a lot of money for deposit. It's just a cluster fuck created by yours truly. Half of my motivation for moving was so me and the boyfriend could be closer.. (we are 45mins apart now).

I am feeling quite different now.

Seeing how he is ready to throw in the towel, after 8 months, because of 2 words? This relationship isn't what I thought it was.

I'm tired of relationship bullshit. I wish I could be happy with no opposite sex drama. Maybe I will give it a try. Maybe I can clear my mind and get more focused on being a more stable person.

I feel like I have messy thoughts, messy house, messy life.

WOW

That spat with the boyfriend yesterday has resulted in us taking a "break" per his request.

My first reaction was anger. then sadness. now acceptance. I went through these stages within a period of maybe 2hrs. I feel exhausted.

I'm already strategizing how to be happily single with no man attention, and not get myself into trouble. I have found myself to be one of those women who gets lonely and bored in a period of DAYS/WEEKS, and then meet new people, and get some drama going.

I don't want to do that this time, because that could turn this "break" into a "break up".

My understanding is that I hurt him when I told him he sounded like a "broken man". He also said I treated him like a child who's hand I am trying to hold, in regards to trying to give him some input.

I think ultimately, he is feeling overwhelmed by his life, and what i said yesterday set him off. I think his frusteration at his circumstances is unfairly being directed toward our relationship. I can't tell him what to do. Well, I can, but he doesn't give a fuck what I say.

So I guess I will give him SPACE SPACE SPACE and more SPACE. Either he misses me and reaches out to me, or he doesn't. If he doesn't. Well-you already know. He's not that into me.

I'm heart broken. I feel similar to how I felt the last time I had a serious break up. Like my whole life just changed and I need to figure out how to adapt to this.

What an ASS

My so called "boyfriend" is acting like a little sissy.

I started this convo with him, trying to help. I even ASKED before I started that part of the convo, if he wanted my input. He said, "yes. go ahead"

So I'm suggesting baby steps he can take to get where he is trying to go (regarding finances/work), and pretty much anything I said he had priorities above it. So then I asked him what his goals were, because I wanted to clearly see what the priority list was right? Why did this fool just say GET MONEY? I mean what the fuck. NO DUH. Jesus in heaven. I want to curse him out for talking down to me. He makes me feel like a fucking toddler!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!

The dude keeps wavering in and out of depressionville, and blames it on some various major circumstances in his life. (which does not include ME) But even though these things/situations are making him miserable, he just seems to complain about it here and there, but it appears to me that he is doing nothing different. NOTHING. So what the hell??

Now I'M getting frusterated.

I typically see him as the big strong leader of a man. I don't want him to hide his vulnerabilites from me, and I do want him to share. But DAMN. He looks WEAK sometimes. Weak for having so much time go by, and still be "stuck" in the same situation AND NOT EVEN HAVING A PLAN. I mean, for most people it is not that hard. You are not happy? Make a change!!! That is what I do. He can't even seem to begin to think about seriously making a change.

Makes me want to punch him in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So our convo ended with him ending it. He wasn't trying to even work through the miscommunication we seemed to be having, so my parting remark was "bye fucker". I am not speaking to that FUCKER for at least 24hrs!!! Its 12:30 in the afternoon. I guess i will see if i can stay irritated all day. HUMPH.

**or am I PMSing? am I trippin? I might be.**

I'm about to pop this blog cherry!

I am a seasoned blogger. However, I have found that I have created too much of a persona on other people's blogs, and I am no longer anonymous! So I'm back in hiding, to enable me to blog in a more uncensored fashion!

Most of the crap I write is simply for posteritys sake. I have a terrible memory, and half of the stuff that happens in life, I may or may not remember it years later.

I'm going by the name Cami on this here blog thingy. I will start off writing this thing for me and not for my public. LOL So I'm not introducing myself or giving some big preface to my postings, except to say this will be mostly about me, how I feel, what I'm thinking, and my issues as I work through them.

I was watching Real Wives of New Jersey the other night. This is the best one by far!I watch and admire the family, who happen to be Italian mafia style. The men are behind the scenes doing business. The women keep it real and spend their days spending their husbands money, sharing their lives with each other, and being fabulous.The mother figure Carline might possibly be my idol. She is a straight shooter, don't take no mess from anyone, but is still a loving and good woman. Her kids all obviously are very loyal to her as she is to them.

The tight knitedness that is their family is exactly what I want my family to be.

What is on my mind currently:

My man is feeling blah today, and I wish I could cheer him up.

What is the formula for recovering from a devestating blow in life? Here I am a year later and the scars are there. The aftermath is my own emotional fragileness. Being in a relationship sometimes brings that crap to the surface. I don't like that shit.

Why am I so freakin broke?

Am I going to move or not?? (can i scrape the money together to even do it?)

I'm feeling a little blah and uninspired myself. In fact, this entire post deserves to be deleted. I used to be so good at writing. What happened? I suck now! Ah well, maybe it will take a little practice.