Delivered

The strangest thing has happened. Well, not THAT strange. My Jesus has answered by prayers once again. And I am soo sososososo grateful.

My prayer was along the lines of "please reveal to me enough, that i will never again be tempted by babydaddy. Please protect me and my family from any evil he tries to bring this way".

This all happened a couple of months ago, but I would like to write about it for posteritys sake and to reflect on it.

I found out some crazy ol BS about baby daddy.

For example: he had another baby within the year we were broke up, and some girl is 4 months pregnant by him now. These are only the ones I KNOW about. (this would be 7 kids total and counting)

He was having full blown affairs while I was pregnant with our first child and while we were planning our wedding. These people did not know I even existed.

I found out he has denied our son to the fullest. So much so, he refuses to show anyone a pic of him (because he is the spittin image of baby daddy)

He told everyone that I screwed his friends and family. That I am a super slut, and that I don't know who our sons father is. (I never met even one person he would call a friend, and his family lives thousands of miles away)

He has blamed me for every single thing that doesn't look "right" to the outside world that does not know his sociopathic ass.

He quit his job right after he got the child support order.

He skipped out on his apartment, leaving his roommate stuck with his half of the rent. He has disappeared. No one has heard from him in 2 months.

He has no idea I know ANY of this, and still has not bothered to contact me.

He had a porn issue

He had videos on his phone of him touching women while they are passed out unconcious in his bed.

He had a book in his room "Fathers Rights" and was telling everyone that he planned to get full custody of our daughter because I am a sucky mom.

At the same time, he was thanking me for being such a great mom, for holding it down. He has never accused me of cheating or anything like that.

It was very interesting to hear all of this from someone that worked with him and lived with him.

It was enough.

So much enough that I became "over him".

You see, despite all of our drama, his absence, his cheating, I STILL felt drawn to him and I didn't want to be. The truth has set me free. Finally.

I marvel every few days how much space in my head is NOT taken up by him now. Even though over a year has gone by since the big break up.. May of 08, I still thought about him every single day and probably many times a day. Feeling anger. Feeling abandoned.

He is a sick and lost individual. I was so disturbed by the extent and the mulititude of lies. The denying of our son so adamently, and telling everyone what a whore I am, when I was nothing but faithful and loyal? WHEW.

I was delivered.

Now the journey towards recovery.

My issues at this point, are clear. I have lost faith, trust and grace when it comes to men. It is very hard for me. Everything I believe out of a man's mouth, I don't really "believe". I just nod and pretend to agree. It is hard for me to fathom a man who is not a self serving prick. And if he seems like he is different.. i just can't believe it.

I have a lot of things figured out, as to how to proceed and not "get got" like that again. I wish it wasn't so hard to throw my emotions into the game, and just go with it. I feel like the enlightenment about my past relationship has helped me grow in many ways. It has also terrified me.

I guess I know what to pray for next. *wink*