Man Delivery!

Well, I just had a nice and interesting convo with my 23yr old maintenance man:) I think I'm doing pretty good when I have a man show up on my doorstep at 830pm, and then let me know he is available to get to know me and wants to know if his age is an issue. hehe I guess that would be the silver lining in the broken pipe and flood in my downstairs bathroom. LOL

sigh

Its depressing. The level of fuckery going on in this world on a regular basis.

So many people just don't give a fuck anymore.

People are SELFISH

Just hurting each other and not giving a damn.

I guess I am getting used to it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. and piss me off. and make me feel like crap. It just means it does not SURPRISE me anymore.

I am very grateful that when I pray to God to reveal things to me, He does.

This is His way of protecting me I suppose. Lord KNOWS I NEED IT.

I guess this is part of the reason why I stayed with the boyfriend, even through the neglect, for the past year. I felt like he was honest. He did not tell me what I wanted to hear.

I guess I gotta shake this one off, and charge it to the game.

King Dousche

I recently met this nice young man by the name of Brian Lovelace. Age 26, single, 2 daughters, lives in Mount Vernon. He is a personal trainer and training for the olympics.

We met at Dennys for coffee, late one evening. We had originally met online, and had innocently chatted a little here and there over the past couple months. He had originally contacted me through a dating site we were both a part of.

This same guy is also "Mr Universe" as mentioned in a couple of previous blog posts.
I tell this guy that I am not feeling a jump off situation, and that I would like to take things slow and really get to know him. Of course, he agrees that this is a great idea.

2 wks after our original get together, which was (Oct. 9, 2009), he came over.

He brought movies that he had burned. Paranormal Activity was the one I was interested in. It got over right around midnight.

He mentioned it being the "witching hour" and had to go. I joked that was he going to turn into a pumpkin or what?

As we hugged goodbye, he started nibblin on my neck... we made out, it got kindof hot and heavy..

This progressed to grown up activities that come after that. This did NOT include S.E.X., as I was not trying to go there ANY time soon. (we all know giving it up too easily kills the fun!)

I finally kick him out. We both agree that we had a good time.

This was 3 days ago.

Today, I was fartin around on good ol google, and decided to google mr. lovelace. What did I find?
I found a myspace page, belonging to a woman who will remain nameless, to not humiliate her specifically with this story. We'll just say she has the same first name as me, (which can not be found on this blog, so don't try). She is white like me, red hair like me, a bit chunky like me. I noticed her #1 friend is "Brian Lovelace". However, his page is private, and no picture.
I start looking through her pics.

LOW AND BEHOLD. My Jesus continues to protect me from harm. I found.............

Pictures of his wedding. Which took place a MONTH AGO.

Yes, pictures of he and his bride, their daughters, their friends.

From A MONTH AGO.

sigh.

I realize that this girl is living my nightmare. Anyone that knows my story, knows I dodged the "marriage to a pathological liar and cheater" bullet, 2 weeks before the wedding last year. And have 2 kids by that dousche bag.

So here I am, wondering what I should do here.

I have not told him that I know yet. I am still just fucking PISSED that ANOTHER LYIN ASS DOUSCHE BAG TARGETED ME!!!!

I wasn't sure if she would appreciate me contacting her, or if she would rather live in ignorant bliss. I know that I was GRATEFUL GRATEFUL GRATEFUL when women unwittingly were coming out of the wood work on my ex dousche bag.

I don't want to rock her world like that. It sucks ass!! It changes EVERYTHING! She JUST got married! She is probably over the moon with happiness. He is probably fucking other women before or after the gym every day like my ex dousche did.

So, he is claiming that they have been broke up about a year, that he lives with a bible thumping Jesus freak in Mount Vernon. That she lives in Bellingham. I find it strange that he can video chat with me all hours of the night, doing little strip teases and such. I mean, maybe she works nights? or goes out? Not sure. I know both times I have spent time with him, it has been a Friday night. He keeps telling me that our "relationship" will go as fast or slow as I want it to.

NEWS FLASH you moron. I was not born yesterday and i know how to use the fucking internet!! As soon as I found out his last name I googled him. But that day, I didn't try very hard. Today I got my answers. I had that adrenaline rush you get when you start busting someone. What a TERRIBLE FEELING.

Please don't be him!Please don't be him!Please don't be him!

DAMN!!!!!!!!! It's FUCKING HIM!!!!!!!!!!! WHY????????????????????????

Look, it's no big deal. I'm not in love or any such nonsense. I am just INSENSED that I ran into another one of these SO SOON!!! I mean, are they EVERYWHERE? SOCIOPATHS?? THese people are fucking monsters plaguing the planet. They seem to be in greater numbers up here in Seattle area.

This blog entry is dedicated to the loving wife. I'm sure she is a wonderful person who does not deserve this shit, and I will be NO PART OF IT. FUck that mother fucker for doing that to that girl and their little ones. If she ever goes looking for answers, hopefully Mr. Google will lead her here. I don't want to reach out and rock her world. If she wants to know, the info is now here.

Sorry girl.

randoms

I had a fun hangout on Friday with Mr. Universe. We watched "Paranormal Activity" and I made my almost famous White Chocolate Mochas:) The movie was pretty scary. The vibe, was comfortable. He is clearly comfortable around me and in my home. I can't say I take the situation seriously. I am having a hard time getting over his age. So far I can honestly say that he hasn't showed his age at all. I am being very direct in this situation, which so far he is working well with. My LAST "relationship" was with a person who doesn't take instruction at all. This guy, when I tell him what I would like to have happen, he does it, and CONSISTANTLY does it. (so far)

One of the main things I like is that every time I ask him a question through text, he calls me to answer it. Even if it's an uncomfortable question.

He asked me the other day if I am looking for a husband, or what I am looking for. I said I am looking for a meaningful relationship, and if it's not meaningful, then I don't want it. Marriage? who knows. I can't imagine feeling that sort of comfort level with a man. I'm looking for that man that is not selfish. The last two were VERY selfish, and I don't want to that.

I am noticing lately how broke everyone is. It seems like EVERYBODY is strugglin big time. I am doing okay because my job hasn't changed, but my ex husband has gotten real sketchy with child support. Also, I have too much $$ out there that I have lent to people that I trusted implicitly, only to find out that, just like their expenses were so important when they asked, their situation NOW is more important then paying back a single mom with 4 kids. sigh.

I will not be loaning again. I mean, these 2 people, I would NEVER IMAGINE they would make light of paying me back!! I mean, both of these people pretty much only provide for themself. ONE PERSON. It's so insulting and hurts my feelings. The girlfriend I loaned it to is NOW making it a priority, so I guess I am currently only talking about the guy, who said he would see if he has $200 to "spare" on the first. It did not sound very promising. And that's only half of what he still owes.

It is true what my mama told me.."NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED".

It's Sunday. This is my day to cook, laundry, and work, while juggling the kids. yaaaaaaay. LOL

1812 Overture "Tchaikovsky"

It's the strangest thing. Whenever I hear this song, it moves me to tears. within like the first 2 minutes. It is such a moving song to me. I think they should play it at my funeral. LOL

I was looking for used bassoons online today. I used to play. pretty well. I had no idea, while in highschool/college, that the borrowed instrument I was toting around was probably worth 10K or more. In looking online, most used bassoons are WELL over $6000. There are a couple around $3000, but they are probably crap, right?

It is very disappointing to me, that I may never again be reunited with my love..(bassoon) due to it being so damn expensive. I always dreamed of playing in a symphony.

I was watching this show on MTV last night, about young people who had 6 figure jobs, and then lost their job due to the economy. They could not find a job after that. I mean, one ended up working as a waitress at a restaurant and lacky at a nail salon. One eventually got a hook up from a friend after about 6 months, and the other was trying to do her own business, but only made $40 in a month! It made me afraid to start going back to school. My current job is not AWESOME, but it is the best I have had, and not too shabby. It seems that the job market is so crap, it may be stupid to quit my job/or cut my hrs to pursue education. sigh.

Mr. Universe did NOT come over the other night, and I am sticking to my boundaries. GO ME:)

I've been thinking about baby daddy. I am worried about him. I just can not wrap my mind around his level of fuckery. I think he is mentally ill. That thought is what makes me feel sympathy and worry. Maybe he is crazy and just never diagnosed. I just thought he was selfish, but this shit is just waaaaaay beyond normal. He is living as a homeless person just to avoid child support? I don't get it.

I watched the movie: Falling Down yesterday. I love that movie. It's about a guy who loses it one day. He kills quite a few people through out the day. He kills anyone who gets in his way or pisses him off. I would never do such a thing, but sometimes I think I want to. LOL (shhhhhhh that is our little secret)

I'm trying to figure out if I want a readership for this blog. I know if I use this URL when commenting on others.. that it will bring readership, but it makes me nervous. I'm stranger than most people know. LOL

babydaddy sighting!

Wow. I said I wanted some excitement, and I got it that night.

I received a couple of texts around midnight from my cousin, who I have not spoken to in 3 months or so. She told me babydaddy was at the casino, and that her friend was cussing his ass up one side and down the other and made such a scene that they got kicked out. The crazy part to me, was that she said he looked like a homeless person. He was dirty. Needed a shave and haircut. He was wearing an old highschool sweatshirt, SHORTS (in this cold wet weather), and some old kicked in shoes. She also said he looked like he might be on something. He had a slow reaction to everything they were saying. He was hanging out with an obese white couple. They were following him around watching him play slots. Weird.

It made me feel... kindof satisified that he is strugglin.. because HE FUCKING DESERVES TO SUFFER DAMN IT!!! On the other hand, I was glad I wasn't there, because I would have made him come home with me, get a shower, and just clean up. I would not be able to handle seeing him that way.

So that drama gave me and my cousin a reason to speak after a falling out. She and I went out last night. It was... no big deal. We had a little fun. Went to a club, which was pretty krunk, just too many white people. (seattle, go figure) I am QUITE hung over today and just feeling like DAMN. I have to go to work tomorrow?? HELL NO!!

My new love interest Mr. Universe is trying to come over later, and I don't want him to. First of all, I don't feel all that great, with the hangover and lack of sleep. I have a lot of work to do tonight to prepare for tomorrow. But the REAL reason is because I think if I have him come to the house, he will get too aggressive physically, and something will happen that should not be happening any time soon. The guy is very attractive, smart and charming. I would be fucking PISSED if things went to far. We haven't even kissed or anything. This would only be the 2nd time seeing him in person. But I have women's intuition and it tells me that he would be happy to get laid, and will be trying, even though I have clearly stated that I want to get to know him. SHIT. He is only 26. Don't want it to turn into one of those nights that makes me feel like I'm 16 again.. "no...nooooooooo..noooo!!!" "come on baby.. it's okay.. just let me put it in one time". LMAO!!

We'll see. I don't have all that much will power. Don't want to tempt the situation because I'm not ready for all that.

I have not heard a peep from exbf. He's honoring my wishes. Shocking.

Rainy Boring Night

It is raining hard here in good ol Seattle. The gutter is clogged, so the sound of a waterfall outside my front door is very loud.

I have come to an interesting point in life. I seem to have no friends and no boyfriend. damn.
It is Friday and I do not have anyone to call to keep me company. I must seriously be a heinous bitch to end up with no friends at age 33.
I'm cooking me steak and a baked potato for dinner. yuuuuum! Maybe I will put a log in the fire place.

Mr. Universe just called me. But I missed the call. I returned the call and left a vmail. lame.
I have a buzz going.. and its not from alcohol;)

I feel lonely a lot. I miss having a man around. It's been about a year and a half since me and babydaddy hit the skids. It's been a weird year. I started dating exbf when I was 8 months pregnant. That was very endearing, that he could see some beauty in me, even at such a big and awkward stage. That made me trust him. It all started out so well. He really made it a priority to come see me. He was very concerned whenever we had a misunderstanding or if i would get upset, he would take time to really talk it through and show that he cared. Within the first 2 months he had already fallen off so bad from making me a priority. Then I started to question if he really was faithful and loved me. From there.. (3rd month in) I had one foot out the door. I have ever since. So this break up is not totally out of left field. However, it was so sudden and ended up being such a rude thing in my opinion. My feelings are hurt. I'm pissed. I never wanted this to fail. I have tried so hard to be faithful and to be patient. In the end, its simply me asking to be treated with more respect, that is the straw to break his camels back?

I guess he is weak. I guess he never cared that much. Either way, I slowly figured him out. He is not as capable as I originally thought. In all areas. The things that impressed me are no longer there. He was financially stable. He was into church and his relationship with God. He had a
purpose.

Now? He has been humbled in several ways. It has been hard to watch. I think his situation is humiliating to him. I don't know why this always happens. Men fail when they are with me. The only exception would be the ex husband. He flourished with me. But most just quit their jobs or lose them, and end up homeless. Then we eventually break up when they are taking forever to get their shit together! grrrrrr

I'm so bored. I hope something exciting happens.

woooooooossah

Okay Okay. I admit it. After my big rant yesterday, I ended up cooking dinner a couple of hours later. I know. I'm a softy. sigh. I don't rage very often. Maybe 2 or 3 times a year. But when I do, I KNOW I am channeling my dad.

He was a rager. But it was almost daily, and it would be over something like a misunderstanding, a spoon on the counter, or maybe NOTHING.

I talked to the boys after it was all said and done. I told them I was sorry that I went so crazy. That I am a bad mom when I do that. That I love them, and I know how it feels to have a parent go postal on you. They were cool. They tried to make me laugh, and we all acted like it was all cool. I do try to talk to the boys when I make mistakes, so hopefully I can give an example about how to apologize, or admit mistakes.

Boyfriend, now EXBF, tried to reach me online 3 times since the big ol bullshit stab in the back break up. I do not plan to acknowledge him at all until the day he gets paid. And then we can discuss what form of payment he would like to make. I hope he doesn't get gully and show up at my job or house. If he does, I know I will feel obligated to talk to him.

I'm wearing some new jeans today. They are 'distressed', and I feel kindof.. edgy in them. LOL

I was up in the middle of the night for a couple hours last night, talking to a guy on the phone. It was fun. Not sure if he needs a name, but if he does, he is crowned, "Mr. Universe".. cuz he is fiiioooonnnnneeee with really big muscles and a winning smile! LOL (I have met him in person recently, but that is a story for another time)

I feel weird without the "boyfriend" in my life. It means I am single and can do whatever I want. This is usually not a good thing because of the boundary issues I have had. I am planning to do a lot better this time around, and stick to my rules.. whatever those are going to be. LOL

Bi-Polar

I just LOST IT on my 12yr old. When I say lost it, I mean I was throwing dishes on the kitchen floor and breaking them, screaming at the top of my lungs. The adrenaline is still pumping through me.

Why did I lose it? Because as I went to load the dishwasher he was supposed to unload, EVERY SINGLE DISH in it was the same dishes that he loaded yesterday. They ran through and were still dirty WHY??? BECAUSE HE DID NOT FUCKING RINSE THEM AND HE THINKS IF HIS LAZY FUCKING ASS LEAVES THEM IN THE DISHWASHER, HE WILL GET TO CONTINUE TO BE A LAZY FUCKING WASTE OF FUCKING SPACE!!!!

I started smashing dishes and screaming and he started crying, and now I am upstairs. I told him that NOBODY IS EATING DINNER because of this. FUCK IT. I GIVE UP. These little ingrates were waiting for me to get home to beg for me to order out pizza. When I explained that spending $30 on pizza will mean we have less for Halloween costumes, they did not care. They still wanted some pizza. I made an executive decision and said no. I will cook. I go to the kitchen and notice the sink is full of dishes. I go to the dishwasher and that is where i make my discovery.

So that's what's up. I am not dealing with these kids. I can't. This is one of those days where, if I had a husband, i would leave. And I would stay gone until very very very late.

But no. I am stuck here because everybody needs something. NO IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. IT NEVER IS.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY REAL POST:

BF BROKE UP WITH ME TODAY. I FINALLY DECIDED TO ERECT A BOUNDARY, AND WITHIN 2 MINUTES HE SAID, "WE NEED TO HAVE THAT TALK". (MEANING THE BREAK UP TALK)

LETS KEEP IN MIND I HAVE BROKEN UP WITH THIS FUCK BAG AT LEAST 8 TIMES.
I TOLD HIM A WEEK AGO THAT IF WE HAVE A BREAK UP TALK AGAIN, IT WILL BE NO CONTACT FROM THAT POINT ON

MAYBE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CALLING MY BLUFF. MAYBE HE THOUGHT I WOULD NOT STICK TO WHAT I SAID. I MEANT IT WHEN I SAID IT. I TOLD HIM TO HIS FACE THAT IT WOULD BE NO CONTACT NEXT TIME. SO FROM THE MOMENT HE SAID THAT, I SAID OKAY. PAY ME THE MONEY YOU OWE ME. OTHER THAN THAT BYE. (IN SO MANY WORDS)

I HAVE NO INTENTION OF DEALING WITH THAT SELF CENTERED ASS HOLE AGAIN. FUCK HIM.

ok so maybe i'm upset about the boyfriend thing and taking it out on the kids. I bent over backward for that mother fucker FOR A YEAR. and the end result? The FIRST TIME i tell him "you are not going to say that to me ever again", he says he wants to break up. What a fucking dousche bag. I should have tried the boundary thing a year ago, and we could have avoided all of this drama. What a fucking waste of time.

Baby Girl

I have a daughter who will be 2 right around Christmas time. She is so full of personality and learning to talk.. I just love her so. She is not my first child, but she is my only daughter. I cherish her. Even when she's trippin, I still look upon her with adoring eyes.

I was just thinking about Christmas. It is a couple of months away, but I feel the urge to put up Christmas lights! Thinking about how babygirl will be able to really participate this year! She gets to watch the Christmas cartoons, lick the beaters while mom makes cookies, listen to Christmas music, and open her own presents. ahhhhhhh how I love Christmas time! Her chubby little self runnin down the stairs in the morning to get her stocking! FUN!!!!

I really really love being the mother of my kids.

Boundaries

I started reading this blog recently, that is all about relationships and mostly about issues with asshats and douschebags.

In reading some of the entries, i realized something very important. I have no boundaries with people. Its funny, because MOST people that "know" me, have never figured that out. My theory is that I am physically intimidating by stature and demeanor, as well as intimidating in general because I am very direct and blunt. For this reason, many people perceive me to be a bitch and an aggressive person. The thing is, my communication style, and my character don't necessarily match.

So back to the boundarie issue. My lack of boundaries manifests itself in disfunctional relationships where I do the giving, tirelessly, and do not have my needs met, yet I hang in there. I have always taken pride in being a friend/girlfriend who STICKS. It has been more important for me to not be seen as disloyal, then to have my needs fulfilled.

Here I am at age 33, finally realizing that it isn't worth it. Who cares if people don't think I'm loyal, when THOSE PEOPLE are leaches on me?

The lack of boundaries also has to do with doing things I don't want to do, or even feel like I should not do, yet I do them anyway in an effort to be "cool" or "liked". I laid down the law for a girlfriend of mine yesterday. She is fucking off her whole life in a plethora of ways. I have been the ear for her, the shoulder for her, the ENABLER for her. Fuck that shit. So when she asked me to hook her up with her favorite medication, I told her no. I told her she needs to get her shit together before I do that for her. That I will not enable her to her destruction! You KNOW she was PISSED!!! She was crying, making excuses, and eventually I just left the situation without another word. I don't know if we will be okay or not, but I know that I created a boundary where there wasn't one. And I do feel good about that.

The other boundary I am working on is with my boyfriend. That one is much more complicated.

The lack of boundaries has to do with behavior I have made acceptable. Not being made a priority. Being kept in a certain compartment in his life. Not having any power in the relationship. The lack of power is SOOO unacceptable, and I don't think he realizes quite HOW out of character it has been, for me to allow him to be the shot caller at all times. I HATE IT.

The relationship is making it very clear what some of my issues are. This boundary issue is HUGE in my life. It has everything to do with my self esteem. Its hard to change my mentality from "I don't want people I love to be mad at me. I will be a doormat if that is what it requires to keep everyone happy".. to "fuck it, my happiness is more important than anyone elses, and I am going to be true to myself".

I tried to "break up" with the boyfriend for this exact reason. However, as usual, he is acting like we didn't have that convo, and just cleaning up his act a little. I don't see how I am going to successfully erect boundaries right in the middle of our relationship. I should not have to convince someone that I am important, or that I should be a priority. That is fucking pathetic. really. Since he is not respecting my wishes, and carrying on as if nothing has changed, I will watch and wait one last time. (only because I do love him, and of course I would love for US to actually work out).. If he can't respect my boundaries this time around, then it will become NO CONTACT between us. period.

I guess my 30's are the "working on me" years. My 20's were spent wildin out and trippin for the most part. Making bad decisions, not running my own life because I allowed myself to be pushed over by so many people in my life.

I have a lot of regrets.

I have been non-confrontational and passive aggressive. The "funny" part is that all of this people pleasing has not even worked! I have very few friends in my life. Very few people that even check for me. So, if I am going to be flying solo anyway, might as well do it with my personal integrity in tact. This doesn't mean cussing everyone out. It just means doing the right thing for me and my family, whatever the cost. Even at the cost of pissing people off/alienating people.