Boundaries

I started reading this blog recently, that is all about relationships and mostly about issues with asshats and douschebags.

In reading some of the entries, i realized something very important. I have no boundaries with people. Its funny, because MOST people that "know" me, have never figured that out. My theory is that I am physically intimidating by stature and demeanor, as well as intimidating in general because I am very direct and blunt. For this reason, many people perceive me to be a bitch and an aggressive person. The thing is, my communication style, and my character don't necessarily match.

So back to the boundarie issue. My lack of boundaries manifests itself in disfunctional relationships where I do the giving, tirelessly, and do not have my needs met, yet I hang in there. I have always taken pride in being a friend/girlfriend who STICKS. It has been more important for me to not be seen as disloyal, then to have my needs fulfilled.

Here I am at age 33, finally realizing that it isn't worth it. Who cares if people don't think I'm loyal, when THOSE PEOPLE are leaches on me?

The lack of boundaries also has to do with doing things I don't want to do, or even feel like I should not do, yet I do them anyway in an effort to be "cool" or "liked". I laid down the law for a girlfriend of mine yesterday. She is fucking off her whole life in a plethora of ways. I have been the ear for her, the shoulder for her, the ENABLER for her. Fuck that shit. So when she asked me to hook her up with her favorite medication, I told her no. I told her she needs to get her shit together before I do that for her. That I will not enable her to her destruction! You KNOW she was PISSED!!! She was crying, making excuses, and eventually I just left the situation without another word. I don't know if we will be okay or not, but I know that I created a boundary where there wasn't one. And I do feel good about that.

The other boundary I am working on is with my boyfriend. That one is much more complicated.

The lack of boundaries has to do with behavior I have made acceptable. Not being made a priority. Being kept in a certain compartment in his life. Not having any power in the relationship. The lack of power is SOOO unacceptable, and I don't think he realizes quite HOW out of character it has been, for me to allow him to be the shot caller at all times. I HATE IT.

The relationship is making it very clear what some of my issues are. This boundary issue is HUGE in my life. It has everything to do with my self esteem. Its hard to change my mentality from "I don't want people I love to be mad at me. I will be a doormat if that is what it requires to keep everyone happy".. to "fuck it, my happiness is more important than anyone elses, and I am going to be true to myself".

I tried to "break up" with the boyfriend for this exact reason. However, as usual, he is acting like we didn't have that convo, and just cleaning up his act a little. I don't see how I am going to successfully erect boundaries right in the middle of our relationship. I should not have to convince someone that I am important, or that I should be a priority. That is fucking pathetic. really. Since he is not respecting my wishes, and carrying on as if nothing has changed, I will watch and wait one last time. (only because I do love him, and of course I would love for US to actually work out).. If he can't respect my boundaries this time around, then it will become NO CONTACT between us. period.

I guess my 30's are the "working on me" years. My 20's were spent wildin out and trippin for the most part. Making bad decisions, not running my own life because I allowed myself to be pushed over by so many people in my life.

I have a lot of regrets.

I have been non-confrontational and passive aggressive. The "funny" part is that all of this people pleasing has not even worked! I have very few friends in my life. Very few people that even check for me. So, if I am going to be flying solo anyway, might as well do it with my personal integrity in tact. This doesn't mean cussing everyone out. It just means doing the right thing for me and my family, whatever the cost. Even at the cost of pissing people off/alienating people.