Boooooooooooooo!!!

I think one of the hardest things for me, is it never BEING ABOUT ME.

I have 4 children. It is about them OF COURSE.

I have a boyfriend who has a child, and a life.. Again, never about ME.

I feel selfish right now, and sometimes, even for maybe 30 mins, I NEED for it to be ALL ABOUT ME!! Not just while I am getting my pussy licked, but to have someone ANYONE tune into ME and let it be about ME.

I just feel so LONELY sometimes. I can't seem to shake that feeling. How am I lonely with 4 children? um, because they are KIDS. I miss having a partner. This sucks.

BORED

I feel bored.

Babydaddy came over AGAIN. So, turns out we have nothing to talk about. There are SO MANY topics that we can't discuss, that it leaves us with nothing but awkward small talk, and long stretchy silences.

I suppose it's for the best. No need to be bonding all tight and shit. He has already lied to me a few times, and it is taking a lot of energy for me to not bring up that shit, and just recognize that IT DOESN'T MATTER. There is no point in discussing his lies. It will just cause him to lie MORE to TRY to convince me he wasn't lying in the first place. I don't want to walk down ANY ROAD with him that stirs up our fighting tendencies.

I think the more time I am spending around him, the more I am remembering how we don't work together. I mean honestly, we do NOT have anything in common except our kids. The only thing we had in common before was trying to get in each others pants, and with that gone.. shoot. We got nothin!

Ah well. It is making things more clear for me. It's almost like this is bringing me CLOSURE. I always felt like he left me. I was looking at him today thinking.. what a selfish bastard. Why didn't I leave HIM? Ok ok. He did bring over some formula and baby crap, that he had on hand for some odd reason. It's just.. if you really pay attention to this dude, he doesn't care what anyone is talking about. He is VERY self centered. He is only good for surface interactions. It's kindof creepy. He is NEVER deep. I find that sad.

Anyways, enough about that loser.

I miss my boo. I want to lay around with him and watch a movie, and just BE. But alas, I am stuck at home with my many children, and a little herb to keep me company. A decent substitute for actual companionship, but falls a bit short.

YAY THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH

I was so sick yesterday and last night that I thought I might die. It's crazy how the human body tries so hard to expel whatever is inside you that is harming you. I puked AT LEAST 20 times yesterday. It was awful. My tummy muscles are so sore and I lost 5 lbs.

Life has this totally different dynamic now that the babydaddy has decided to come around.
So far so good. He has been VERY reliable and helpful with the babies. He hasn't been inappropriate with me.

He opened up a bit tonight and shared some about his feelings.

Basically said he is getting older, he has made so many mistakes with his other children. That all he wants is to be a part of our kids' lives, "no matter what".

I must admit, it is heart warming to watch him bond with the babies. Our daughter is warming up a little more each day. I can tell he will be really good at helping her expand her vocabulary. He talks to her and is constantly trying to teach her. I must admit, juggling 4 kids, I haven't done as well at that as I maybe could have.

We are trying to avoid talking about the past, though it did come up tonight. Some of these conversations we just have to get out of the way. I don't want to argue or be angry with him. I just have so many questions. I have never understood why things went down the way they did.
I know how good he is at schmoozing me. I find myself wanting to believe the things he says, but nothing he says can nagate that he abandoned our family. FOR A YEAR.

I HAD AN INTERESTING WEEKEND

I saw my babydaddy for the first time in a year. He came over to see our 2 kids, one which he had never met.

My boyfriend decided to be there. I was a little putoff by that at first, but I agreed to it, because he IS my man, and I love him and respect his opinion.

My first reaction was a racing heart, and I felt like I was breaking out in a sweat. Just seeing his face. It was a strange and surreal feeling. The last time he and I have had any real interaction that wasn't screaming and yelling, was us living together and planning our lives together. We have not really had to figure out how to have this other type of relationship.

It was hard not to be snarky and obnoxious, because the sarcasm I feel toward him just oozes from me. Every thing he says is crap. He is concerned he can not afford child support based on the state guidelines. Yet, he is wearing all Ed Hardy shit, designer jeans, and generally looked like a million bucks. Must be nice. FUCKER!!!!

Every single thing our babies have was bought by ME or a family member of friend. He has contributed NOTHING, yet I'm supposed to sympathize with him having a shitty job? I bet he lives with a woman who pays all the bills anyway. I think he is just greedy.

So it seems we will have to do this dance.

In my heart, I always want to believe the best of him, but at this point, I just can't. I think he was sent to this earth to destroy me. He plays me for a fool always. And I fall for it always.

This time will be different. My love was there to support me. That made me feel so protected and loved. I'm in a good and positive relationship that does not bring me pain. A relationship that is healing me.

I truly believe my relationship with ass hat has facilitated my current relationship in so many ways. I would never have fallen for my current man and loved him like I do, if I had not endured what I have been through. I have tended to be an adventure seeking, drama loving fool. But this experience burned me out on all that. Drama is not fun for me anymore. I appreciate loyalty, stability, and unconditional love. It is hard to come by and therefore priceless!!

Its strange that I feel a weight has been lifted off of me, with him coming around. I have worried about him all this time. Also, in my head, I have had this running idea, that plays in my head many many times a day, "you are a single mom with 4 kids. You haven't heard from him in a year." That crap does not make me feel good. It makes me feel very abandoned. I do not know his motivation for contacting me, but I am glad he did. I feel better.

I prayed a long and urgent prayer tonight. That God protect me in this situation. That he keeps me strong to set the pace and the rules of this situation, and that I am able to navigate this situation gracefully. I need to protect the babies from anything negative. I also need to be impervious to his bullshit and drama. I don't need it. Don't want it.

Time for a change

I feel like I am going through some sort of crisis emotionally. Not just the boyfriend stuff. I'm not where I need to be. Meaning, I keep looking around and seeing things that should be done better. Ways I would like to be different. I need to have the balls to make a list and start actually doing something about it!

The better me would:

Not be lazy

*she would have a clean and organized house
*she would have a routine
*she would put things away after she uses them
*she would teach the kids to do more complicated chores

Organized

*she would pay bills on time
*she would always know when appointments are
*she would call in the baxter order on time
*she would do things early. not late

Be emotionally independent

*she would learn to occupy her thoughts with more diverse ideas than just relationship drama
*she would learn to entertain herself with more productive things like not being lazy and being organized
*she would not be a pushover. She would say what she means, even at the expense of looking like a total bitch! (because face it.. most people that know you think you are a bitch ANYWAY. EVEN WITH being pushed over. That is BULLSHIT!!!)

Be more tuned into the kids

*create a family fun night
*make a schedule where I can spend 1/1 time with each child.
*figure out a fun trip for this summer
*meet their friends, and possibly parents of friends

Be more tuned in spiritually

*Pray on a regular basis
*Remember to go to God first with my problems. Not people.

Ultimately, I want to be able to say, "I have my shit together!" and currently I don't. I'm just flying by the seat of my pants as usual. I just decided today, that I should not move this summer. I had been planning to for a year now. But here it is staring me in the face, and I feel really insecure about moving. I've been paying rent late, my credit is in the crapper, I don't have a lot of money for deposit. It's just a cluster fuck created by yours truly. Half of my motivation for moving was so me and the boyfriend could be closer.. (we are 45mins apart now).

I am feeling quite different now.

Seeing how he is ready to throw in the towel, after 8 months, because of 2 words? This relationship isn't what I thought it was.

I'm tired of relationship bullshit. I wish I could be happy with no opposite sex drama. Maybe I will give it a try. Maybe I can clear my mind and get more focused on being a more stable person.

I feel like I have messy thoughts, messy house, messy life.

WOW

That spat with the boyfriend yesterday has resulted in us taking a "break" per his request.

My first reaction was anger. then sadness. now acceptance. I went through these stages within a period of maybe 2hrs. I feel exhausted.

I'm already strategizing how to be happily single with no man attention, and not get myself into trouble. I have found myself to be one of those women who gets lonely and bored in a period of DAYS/WEEKS, and then meet new people, and get some drama going.

I don't want to do that this time, because that could turn this "break" into a "break up".

My understanding is that I hurt him when I told him he sounded like a "broken man". He also said I treated him like a child who's hand I am trying to hold, in regards to trying to give him some input.

I think ultimately, he is feeling overwhelmed by his life, and what i said yesterday set him off. I think his frusteration at his circumstances is unfairly being directed toward our relationship. I can't tell him what to do. Well, I can, but he doesn't give a fuck what I say.

So I guess I will give him SPACE SPACE SPACE and more SPACE. Either he misses me and reaches out to me, or he doesn't. If he doesn't. Well-you already know. He's not that into me.

I'm heart broken. I feel similar to how I felt the last time I had a serious break up. Like my whole life just changed and I need to figure out how to adapt to this.

What an ASS

My so called "boyfriend" is acting like a little sissy.

I started this convo with him, trying to help. I even ASKED before I started that part of the convo, if he wanted my input. He said, "yes. go ahead"

So I'm suggesting baby steps he can take to get where he is trying to go (regarding finances/work), and pretty much anything I said he had priorities above it. So then I asked him what his goals were, because I wanted to clearly see what the priority list was right? Why did this fool just say GET MONEY? I mean what the fuck. NO DUH. Jesus in heaven. I want to curse him out for talking down to me. He makes me feel like a fucking toddler!!

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!

The dude keeps wavering in and out of depressionville, and blames it on some various major circumstances in his life. (which does not include ME) But even though these things/situations are making him miserable, he just seems to complain about it here and there, but it appears to me that he is doing nothing different. NOTHING. So what the hell??

Now I'M getting frusterated.

I typically see him as the big strong leader of a man. I don't want him to hide his vulnerabilites from me, and I do want him to share. But DAMN. He looks WEAK sometimes. Weak for having so much time go by, and still be "stuck" in the same situation AND NOT EVEN HAVING A PLAN. I mean, for most people it is not that hard. You are not happy? Make a change!!! That is what I do. He can't even seem to begin to think about seriously making a change.

Makes me want to punch him in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So our convo ended with him ending it. He wasn't trying to even work through the miscommunication we seemed to be having, so my parting remark was "bye fucker". I am not speaking to that FUCKER for at least 24hrs!!! Its 12:30 in the afternoon. I guess i will see if i can stay irritated all day. HUMPH.

**or am I PMSing? am I trippin? I might be.**

I'm about to pop this blog cherry!

I am a seasoned blogger. However, I have found that I have created too much of a persona on other people's blogs, and I am no longer anonymous! So I'm back in hiding, to enable me to blog in a more uncensored fashion!

Most of the crap I write is simply for posteritys sake. I have a terrible memory, and half of the stuff that happens in life, I may or may not remember it years later.

I'm going by the name Cami on this here blog thingy. I will start off writing this thing for me and not for my public. LOL So I'm not introducing myself or giving some big preface to my postings, except to say this will be mostly about me, how I feel, what I'm thinking, and my issues as I work through them.

I was watching Real Wives of New Jersey the other night. This is the best one by far!I watch and admire the family, who happen to be Italian mafia style. The men are behind the scenes doing business. The women keep it real and spend their days spending their husbands money, sharing their lives with each other, and being fabulous.The mother figure Carline might possibly be my idol. She is a straight shooter, don't take no mess from anyone, but is still a loving and good woman. Her kids all obviously are very loyal to her as she is to them.

The tight knitedness that is their family is exactly what I want my family to be.

What is on my mind currently:

My man is feeling blah today, and I wish I could cheer him up.

What is the formula for recovering from a devestating blow in life? Here I am a year later and the scars are there. The aftermath is my own emotional fragileness. Being in a relationship sometimes brings that crap to the surface. I don't like that shit.

Why am I so freakin broke?

Am I going to move or not?? (can i scrape the money together to even do it?)

I'm feeling a little blah and uninspired myself. In fact, this entire post deserves to be deleted. I used to be so good at writing. What happened? I suck now! Ah well, maybe it will take a little practice.