Time for a change

I feel like I am going through some sort of crisis emotionally. Not just the boyfriend stuff. I'm not where I need to be. Meaning, I keep looking around and seeing things that should be done better. Ways I would like to be different. I need to have the balls to make a list and start actually doing something about it!

The better me would:

Not be lazy

*she would have a clean and organized house
*she would have a routine
*she would put things away after she uses them
*she would teach the kids to do more complicated chores

Organized

*she would pay bills on time
*she would always know when appointments are
*she would call in the baxter order on time
*she would do things early. not late

Be emotionally independent

*she would learn to occupy her thoughts with more diverse ideas than just relationship drama
*she would learn to entertain herself with more productive things like not being lazy and being organized
*she would not be a pushover. She would say what she means, even at the expense of looking like a total bitch! (because face it.. most people that know you think you are a bitch ANYWAY. EVEN WITH being pushed over. That is BULLSHIT!!!)

Be more tuned into the kids

*create a family fun night
*make a schedule where I can spend 1/1 time with each child.
*figure out a fun trip for this summer
*meet their friends, and possibly parents of friends

Be more tuned in spiritually

*Pray on a regular basis
*Remember to go to God first with my problems. Not people.

Ultimately, I want to be able to say, "I have my shit together!" and currently I don't. I'm just flying by the seat of my pants as usual. I just decided today, that I should not move this summer. I had been planning to for a year now. But here it is staring me in the face, and I feel really insecure about moving. I've been paying rent late, my credit is in the crapper, I don't have a lot of money for deposit. It's just a cluster fuck created by yours truly. Half of my motivation for moving was so me and the boyfriend could be closer.. (we are 45mins apart now).

I am feeling quite different now.

Seeing how he is ready to throw in the towel, after 8 months, because of 2 words? This relationship isn't what I thought it was.

I'm tired of relationship bullshit. I wish I could be happy with no opposite sex drama. Maybe I will give it a try. Maybe I can clear my mind and get more focused on being a more stable person.

I feel like I have messy thoughts, messy house, messy life.