I HAD AN INTERESTING WEEKEND

I saw my babydaddy for the first time in a year. He came over to see our 2 kids, one which he had never met.

My boyfriend decided to be there. I was a little putoff by that at first, but I agreed to it, because he IS my man, and I love him and respect his opinion.

My first reaction was a racing heart, and I felt like I was breaking out in a sweat. Just seeing his face. It was a strange and surreal feeling. The last time he and I have had any real interaction that wasn't screaming and yelling, was us living together and planning our lives together. We have not really had to figure out how to have this other type of relationship.

It was hard not to be snarky and obnoxious, because the sarcasm I feel toward him just oozes from me. Every thing he says is crap. He is concerned he can not afford child support based on the state guidelines. Yet, he is wearing all Ed Hardy shit, designer jeans, and generally looked like a million bucks. Must be nice. FUCKER!!!!

Every single thing our babies have was bought by ME or a family member of friend. He has contributed NOTHING, yet I'm supposed to sympathize with him having a shitty job? I bet he lives with a woman who pays all the bills anyway. I think he is just greedy.

So it seems we will have to do this dance.

In my heart, I always want to believe the best of him, but at this point, I just can't. I think he was sent to this earth to destroy me. He plays me for a fool always. And I fall for it always.

This time will be different. My love was there to support me. That made me feel so protected and loved. I'm in a good and positive relationship that does not bring me pain. A relationship that is healing me.

I truly believe my relationship with ass hat has facilitated my current relationship in so many ways. I would never have fallen for my current man and loved him like I do, if I had not endured what I have been through. I have tended to be an adventure seeking, drama loving fool. But this experience burned me out on all that. Drama is not fun for me anymore. I appreciate loyalty, stability, and unconditional love. It is hard to come by and therefore priceless!!

Its strange that I feel a weight has been lifted off of me, with him coming around. I have worried about him all this time. Also, in my head, I have had this running idea, that plays in my head many many times a day, "you are a single mom with 4 kids. You haven't heard from him in a year." That crap does not make me feel good. It makes me feel very abandoned. I do not know his motivation for contacting me, but I am glad he did. I feel better.

I prayed a long and urgent prayer tonight. That God protect me in this situation. That he keeps me strong to set the pace and the rules of this situation, and that I am able to navigate this situation gracefully. I need to protect the babies from anything negative. I also need to be impervious to his bullshit and drama. I don't need it. Don't want it.