Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I broke up with my boo today:(
Not sure how to feel about it. I think it was the right thing to do.. for me. I'm not sure if it was right for him. We weren't fighting or anything. It is time for me to set some new boundaries for myself as far as how people are going to be allowed to treat me.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Delivered
The strangest thing has happened. Well, not THAT strange. My Jesus has answered by prayers once again. And I am soo sososososo grateful.
My prayer was along the lines of "please reveal to me enough, that i will never again be tempted by babydaddy. Please protect me and my family from any evil he tries to bring this way".
This all happened a couple of months ago, but I would like to write about it for posteritys sake and to reflect on it.
I found out some crazy ol BS about baby daddy.
For example: he had another baby within the year we were broke up, and some girl is 4 months pregnant by him now. These are only the ones I KNOW about. (this would be 7 kids total and counting)
He was having full blown affairs while I was pregnant with our first child and while we were planning our wedding. These people did not know I even existed.
I found out he has denied our son to the fullest. So much so, he refuses to show anyone a pic of him (because he is the spittin image of baby daddy)
He told everyone that I screwed his friends and family. That I am a super slut, and that I don't know who our sons father is. (I never met even one person he would call a friend, and his family lives thousands of miles away)
He has blamed me for every single thing that doesn't look "right" to the outside world that does not know his sociopathic ass.
He quit his job right after he got the child support order.
He skipped out on his apartment, leaving his roommate stuck with his half of the rent. He has disappeared. No one has heard from him in 2 months.
He has no idea I know ANY of this, and still has not bothered to contact me.
He had a porn issue
He had videos on his phone of him touching women while they are passed out unconcious in his bed.
He had a book in his room "Fathers Rights" and was telling everyone that he planned to get full custody of our daughter because I am a sucky mom.
At the same time, he was thanking me for being such a great mom, for holding it down. He has never accused me of cheating or anything like that.
It was very interesting to hear all of this from someone that worked with him and lived with him.
It was enough.
So much enough that I became "over him".
You see, despite all of our drama, his absence, his cheating, I STILL felt drawn to him and I didn't want to be. The truth has set me free. Finally.
I marvel every few days how much space in my head is NOT taken up by him now. Even though over a year has gone by since the big break up.. May of 08, I still thought about him every single day and probably many times a day. Feeling anger. Feeling abandoned.
He is a sick and lost individual. I was so disturbed by the extent and the mulititude of lies. The denying of our son so adamently, and telling everyone what a whore I am, when I was nothing but faithful and loyal? WHEW.
I was delivered.
Now the journey towards recovery.
My issues at this point, are clear. I have lost faith, trust and grace when it comes to men. It is very hard for me. Everything I believe out of a man's mouth, I don't really "believe". I just nod and pretend to agree. It is hard for me to fathom a man who is not a self serving prick. And if he seems like he is different.. i just can't believe it.
I have a lot of things figured out, as to how to proceed and not "get got" like that again. I wish it wasn't so hard to throw my emotions into the game, and just go with it. I feel like the enlightenment about my past relationship has helped me grow in many ways. It has also terrified me.
I guess I know what to pray for next. *wink*
My prayer was along the lines of "please reveal to me enough, that i will never again be tempted by babydaddy. Please protect me and my family from any evil he tries to bring this way".
This all happened a couple of months ago, but I would like to write about it for posteritys sake and to reflect on it.
I found out some crazy ol BS about baby daddy.
For example: he had another baby within the year we were broke up, and some girl is 4 months pregnant by him now. These are only the ones I KNOW about. (this would be 7 kids total and counting)
He was having full blown affairs while I was pregnant with our first child and while we were planning our wedding. These people did not know I even existed.
I found out he has denied our son to the fullest. So much so, he refuses to show anyone a pic of him (because he is the spittin image of baby daddy)
He told everyone that I screwed his friends and family. That I am a super slut, and that I don't know who our sons father is. (I never met even one person he would call a friend, and his family lives thousands of miles away)
He has blamed me for every single thing that doesn't look "right" to the outside world that does not know his sociopathic ass.
He quit his job right after he got the child support order.
He skipped out on his apartment, leaving his roommate stuck with his half of the rent. He has disappeared. No one has heard from him in 2 months.
He has no idea I know ANY of this, and still has not bothered to contact me.
He had a porn issue
He had videos on his phone of him touching women while they are passed out unconcious in his bed.
He had a book in his room "Fathers Rights" and was telling everyone that he planned to get full custody of our daughter because I am a sucky mom.
At the same time, he was thanking me for being such a great mom, for holding it down. He has never accused me of cheating or anything like that.
It was very interesting to hear all of this from someone that worked with him and lived with him.
It was enough.
So much enough that I became "over him".
You see, despite all of our drama, his absence, his cheating, I STILL felt drawn to him and I didn't want to be. The truth has set me free. Finally.
I marvel every few days how much space in my head is NOT taken up by him now. Even though over a year has gone by since the big break up.. May of 08, I still thought about him every single day and probably many times a day. Feeling anger. Feeling abandoned.
He is a sick and lost individual. I was so disturbed by the extent and the mulititude of lies. The denying of our son so adamently, and telling everyone what a whore I am, when I was nothing but faithful and loyal? WHEW.
I was delivered.
Now the journey towards recovery.
My issues at this point, are clear. I have lost faith, trust and grace when it comes to men. It is very hard for me. Everything I believe out of a man's mouth, I don't really "believe". I just nod and pretend to agree. It is hard for me to fathom a man who is not a self serving prick. And if he seems like he is different.. i just can't believe it.
I have a lot of things figured out, as to how to proceed and not "get got" like that again. I wish it wasn't so hard to throw my emotions into the game, and just go with it. I feel like the enlightenment about my past relationship has helped me grow in many ways. It has also terrified me.
I guess I know what to pray for next. *wink*
"self esteem" is supposed to come from yourself!
I use this blog to purge. There are times where a certain thought/memory/etc gets stuck in my brain, and once I write it down, I can release it.
The consuming thought I am having right now concerns some time I spent with an old guy friend of mine. We'll use the same name I have always used for him in blogland: Virgo
I have NEVER been treated with such love, care and consideration in all my life. really.
1. He made sure to have milk and grapes in the house because he knows i like them.
2. He bought me a bottle of patron, a sack of the good stuff and a pack of cigs to get the party started, even though he doesn't drink patron or smoke.
3. Every time I texted him to see if he might be willing to come pick me up, he was THERE within 20mins. Even if he lived 30mins away. Johnny on the spot. NEVER MADE ME WAIT.
4. He cleared his whole weekend for me, even though I did not promise him much of my time.
5. He felt comfortable enough to take a nap, giving me free reign to snoop or whatever. I didn't. I read a magazine, looked at pictures, and played on my phone.
6. He remembers our entire 10yr history, and expressed to me with his actions and words, that I am important.
7. We have finally reached a point where we can discuss our current relationships/feelings about our futures, without me taking it personal, or him thinking I'm going to read something into the convo.
8. I felt like, for the first time ever with him.. that he loves me. And I told him that. I saw it in his eyes.
9. When my girlfriend's boyfriend came by Virgos house to bring me ID, Virgo knew I had been upset at the boyfriend and I generally do not like him. I went outside to collect my ID and was out there for about 3 minutes. Next thing ya know, Virgo is on his back porch, surveying the situation. I felt protected and I really appreciated that.
How did this all affect me?
I came home feeling very much.. like I had exhaled in a big way. This guy validated me in every way I was lacking. His care and attention to detail made me feel so loved. I came home feeling like a better person.
Having a guy that i love and respect so much, treat me with so much care, made me feel valuable. I wish I had that feeling inside myself, independant of other people. (and I think I do to an extent), but i really felt on cloud 9 with his loving attention.
I told him if I was on my death bed, I would want to see him. He is one of those people in my life.
The weird part was that I am currently in a committed relationship with someone else. I live thousands of miles from Virgo.
I kindof felt like I was cheating on my BF, because the way Virgo was making me feel.. was something you would normally get from a boyfriend.
The end result was, we had a great 4 days, we spent waaaaay more time than I expected, and we parted ways with a long hug, a couple ernest "i will miss you"s and a peck on the lips.
I will miss him. The memories that we made, just hanging out and talking.. i will hold near to my heart. always.
The consuming thought I am having right now concerns some time I spent with an old guy friend of mine. We'll use the same name I have always used for him in blogland: Virgo
I have NEVER been treated with such love, care and consideration in all my life. really.
1. He made sure to have milk and grapes in the house because he knows i like them.
2. He bought me a bottle of patron, a sack of the good stuff and a pack of cigs to get the party started, even though he doesn't drink patron or smoke.
3. Every time I texted him to see if he might be willing to come pick me up, he was THERE within 20mins. Even if he lived 30mins away. Johnny on the spot. NEVER MADE ME WAIT.
4. He cleared his whole weekend for me, even though I did not promise him much of my time.
5. He felt comfortable enough to take a nap, giving me free reign to snoop or whatever. I didn't. I read a magazine, looked at pictures, and played on my phone.
6. He remembers our entire 10yr history, and expressed to me with his actions and words, that I am important.
7. We have finally reached a point where we can discuss our current relationships/feelings about our futures, without me taking it personal, or him thinking I'm going to read something into the convo.
8. I felt like, for the first time ever with him.. that he loves me. And I told him that. I saw it in his eyes.
9. When my girlfriend's boyfriend came by Virgos house to bring me ID, Virgo knew I had been upset at the boyfriend and I generally do not like him. I went outside to collect my ID and was out there for about 3 minutes. Next thing ya know, Virgo is on his back porch, surveying the situation. I felt protected and I really appreciated that.
How did this all affect me?
I came home feeling very much.. like I had exhaled in a big way. This guy validated me in every way I was lacking. His care and attention to detail made me feel so loved. I came home feeling like a better person.
Having a guy that i love and respect so much, treat me with so much care, made me feel valuable. I wish I had that feeling inside myself, independant of other people. (and I think I do to an extent), but i really felt on cloud 9 with his loving attention.
I told him if I was on my death bed, I would want to see him. He is one of those people in my life.
The weird part was that I am currently in a committed relationship with someone else. I live thousands of miles from Virgo.
I kindof felt like I was cheating on my BF, because the way Virgo was making me feel.. was something you would normally get from a boyfriend.
The end result was, we had a great 4 days, we spent waaaaay more time than I expected, and we parted ways with a long hug, a couple ernest "i will miss you"s and a peck on the lips.
I will miss him. The memories that we made, just hanging out and talking.. i will hold near to my heart. always.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Pondering on a Lazy Saturday
Hmmmm.. I just read my last entry, and I am wondering if boyfriend read it. I say this because he told me he loved me like 5 times last night, and he specificially told me that i "get" him. I gave him my blog ID once, a while back.
Moving on, I hung out for a bit with the ex roommate of my dead beat baby daddy. Everytime I talk to her, I end up feeling so DISTURBED. I feel like I have a much clearer idea of the damaged person that he is.
I would go into detail, but it's just nasty. The good news is that I don't seem to have an emotional attachment to him anymore. Now, I feel like I'm having to deal with the aftermath, meaning my own issues that have developed as a result of the drama. The main issue is that I find myself questioning everybody's honesty. People that don't deserve it. People that have never lied to me. I FEEL untrusting and my mind does tell me that I'm trippin. But emotionally, I feel so afraid of being the dummy to the degree that I was before.
Boyfriend came over a few nights ago, and he did take the time to validate me. We have spent so much time being frusterated with each other as a result of me having unfulfilled expectations of him, and him dealing with his own drama.. that I had been telling myself for quite some time, that he really isn't all that "into me". The more I have been convinced of that, the more I have withdrawn from him. I have not given up, and I have not moved on, but the distant has been growing.
When he came over.. I had a chance to talk about ME and how I have been feeling about life in general. I can not describe how wonderful it felt, to cry on him, and let it all out. For him to BE THERE for me in a moment like that, meant a lot to me. Once again, the physical did not happen. But we talked about it, and I have a better understanding. He basically blamed me. LOL
He said I don't look at him the same way that I used to, and I know this is true. I think I have been looking at him with eyes full of resentment and disappointment, instead of the adoring eyes I started out with.
I can't change the way I look at him, until our relationship changes.
I want him to give me face time. I want him all up in my business more. I want to know that if I am feeling really needy and dying to see him, that he will drop everything to be with me! (yeah okay, that last one is probably not ever going to happen, but it would make me feel special)
Its been kindof a struggle to stay faithful and tuned in, with us being so distant most of the time. I'm shocked to find that it's not automatic for me to stay blindly loyal. What I mean is, when we are especially distant, I start thinking that i need to meet someone new. This is because in those moments, I am just SURE that we are not going to make it! Not because of me. Because of him. I am a person who values a good thing. And I do know a good thing when I have it. I would do anything for him. Thats the girlfriend that I am.
I am going on a trip in a couple of weeks. I will be seeing old friends and some old boyfriends/flings. Basically, whoever has bothered to stay in touch with me, is who I will be seeing while there. At first I was thinking it would be very hard for me to be a GOOD girlfriend while there. I've been mulling it over for a while, because I know I have to have my mind made up BEFORE I get there, or I will be swayed. There was a long period of time in this relationship where I was just sure we were about to be over. I don't feel that way right now. But it seems like he does step it up right when I'm about to get to steppin.
I want to be the best girlfriend/SO ever! But not to be the fool. Not to invest in a losing venture!
The reason I stick around is because we have developed a friendship that surpasses almost every friendship with a man that i have had so far in life. I can see that friendship carrying us through the years. I can see it being the foundation for a lasting and beautiful union for us.
Another thought worth mentioning is that I am sick of people's attitudes when it comes to relationships/marriages. When it gets hard? Just quit. Don't worry about it. I don't feel that way about this relationship. In fact, I feel this relationship is a crossroads in my life.
Moving on, I hung out for a bit with the ex roommate of my dead beat baby daddy. Everytime I talk to her, I end up feeling so DISTURBED. I feel like I have a much clearer idea of the damaged person that he is.
I would go into detail, but it's just nasty. The good news is that I don't seem to have an emotional attachment to him anymore. Now, I feel like I'm having to deal with the aftermath, meaning my own issues that have developed as a result of the drama. The main issue is that I find myself questioning everybody's honesty. People that don't deserve it. People that have never lied to me. I FEEL untrusting and my mind does tell me that I'm trippin. But emotionally, I feel so afraid of being the dummy to the degree that I was before.
Boyfriend came over a few nights ago, and he did take the time to validate me. We have spent so much time being frusterated with each other as a result of me having unfulfilled expectations of him, and him dealing with his own drama.. that I had been telling myself for quite some time, that he really isn't all that "into me". The more I have been convinced of that, the more I have withdrawn from him. I have not given up, and I have not moved on, but the distant has been growing.
When he came over.. I had a chance to talk about ME and how I have been feeling about life in general. I can not describe how wonderful it felt, to cry on him, and let it all out. For him to BE THERE for me in a moment like that, meant a lot to me. Once again, the physical did not happen. But we talked about it, and I have a better understanding. He basically blamed me. LOL
He said I don't look at him the same way that I used to, and I know this is true. I think I have been looking at him with eyes full of resentment and disappointment, instead of the adoring eyes I started out with.
I can't change the way I look at him, until our relationship changes.
I want him to give me face time. I want him all up in my business more. I want to know that if I am feeling really needy and dying to see him, that he will drop everything to be with me! (yeah okay, that last one is probably not ever going to happen, but it would make me feel special)
Its been kindof a struggle to stay faithful and tuned in, with us being so distant most of the time. I'm shocked to find that it's not automatic for me to stay blindly loyal. What I mean is, when we are especially distant, I start thinking that i need to meet someone new. This is because in those moments, I am just SURE that we are not going to make it! Not because of me. Because of him. I am a person who values a good thing. And I do know a good thing when I have it. I would do anything for him. Thats the girlfriend that I am.
I am going on a trip in a couple of weeks. I will be seeing old friends and some old boyfriends/flings. Basically, whoever has bothered to stay in touch with me, is who I will be seeing while there. At first I was thinking it would be very hard for me to be a GOOD girlfriend while there. I've been mulling it over for a while, because I know I have to have my mind made up BEFORE I get there, or I will be swayed. There was a long period of time in this relationship where I was just sure we were about to be over. I don't feel that way right now. But it seems like he does step it up right when I'm about to get to steppin.
I want to be the best girlfriend/SO ever! But not to be the fool. Not to invest in a losing venture!
The reason I stick around is because we have developed a friendship that surpasses almost every friendship with a man that i have had so far in life. I can see that friendship carrying us through the years. I can see it being the foundation for a lasting and beautiful union for us.
Another thought worth mentioning is that I am sick of people's attitudes when it comes to relationships/marriages. When it gets hard? Just quit. Don't worry about it. I don't feel that way about this relationship. In fact, I feel this relationship is a crossroads in my life.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I'm really in a wack ass mood
I never write in this damn blog because I haven't even figured out what kindof blog this is.
I'm upset at my so called boyfriend.
Let's just say, I am terribly neglected emotionally and physically in the current so called "relationship". I have never dated a man who will leave for weeks at a time to see his mom/brothers/sister, like every other month, but I only see him once a week or every couple of weeks. I mean, WTF is that all about?
We haven't had sexy times in almost 3 months now. Yes yes I know. Obviously he is not my "boyfriend" and I just think he is right? Thats actually what I think too. I drove all the way out to his place (45mins) in the middle of the night, and when I got there, he just sucked on my titties and rubbed on me a bit. No kissing, no lovins. I mean, that was it. I feel like its very clear he is not feeling me, but he denies denies denies. Verbally, he is happy to reassure me that I am the only woman for him. But his actions make me feel completely insignificant.
So, what to do? I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a pathological liar, or a guy that seriously needs this LITTLE attention from his lady. What gives? And I guess, either way, neither scenario works for me at all. WTF am I doing?? Why am I even giving this guy a thought in my head? I just don't "get" him. And usually when I don't get somebody it's because they are lying their ass off.
See? When I write it down like this, it seems perfectly reasonable to kick his ass to the curb. It's just, when I see him in person, and we talk, he appears to be urgently 100% honest.
Bottom line, there doesn't seem to be any reason to hang in there. He doesn't validate me. He doesn't put in the work for a relationship. He doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. (this is an 11 month relationship)
I feel like a lame ass loser for even humoring this at all. And here I am humoring it for almost a FUCKING YEAR????? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!
I guess its time to start shopping for a new man. sigh.
I'm upset at my so called boyfriend.
Let's just say, I am terribly neglected emotionally and physically in the current so called "relationship". I have never dated a man who will leave for weeks at a time to see his mom/brothers/sister, like every other month, but I only see him once a week or every couple of weeks. I mean, WTF is that all about?
We haven't had sexy times in almost 3 months now. Yes yes I know. Obviously he is not my "boyfriend" and I just think he is right? Thats actually what I think too. I drove all the way out to his place (45mins) in the middle of the night, and when I got there, he just sucked on my titties and rubbed on me a bit. No kissing, no lovins. I mean, that was it. I feel like its very clear he is not feeling me, but he denies denies denies. Verbally, he is happy to reassure me that I am the only woman for him. But his actions make me feel completely insignificant.
So, what to do? I'm not sure if I'm dealing with a pathological liar, or a guy that seriously needs this LITTLE attention from his lady. What gives? And I guess, either way, neither scenario works for me at all. WTF am I doing?? Why am I even giving this guy a thought in my head? I just don't "get" him. And usually when I don't get somebody it's because they are lying their ass off.
See? When I write it down like this, it seems perfectly reasonable to kick his ass to the curb. It's just, when I see him in person, and we talk, he appears to be urgently 100% honest.
Bottom line, there doesn't seem to be any reason to hang in there. He doesn't validate me. He doesn't put in the work for a relationship. He doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. (this is an 11 month relationship)
I feel like a lame ass loser for even humoring this at all. And here I am humoring it for almost a FUCKING YEAR????? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!
I guess its time to start shopping for a new man. sigh.
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