Pondering on a Lazy Saturday

Hmmmm.. I just read my last entry, and I am wondering if boyfriend read it. I say this because he told me he loved me like 5 times last night, and he specificially told me that i "get" him. I gave him my blog ID once, a while back.

Moving on, I hung out for a bit with the ex roommate of my dead beat baby daddy. Everytime I talk to her, I end up feeling so DISTURBED. I feel like I have a much clearer idea of the damaged person that he is.

I would go into detail, but it's just nasty. The good news is that I don't seem to have an emotional attachment to him anymore. Now, I feel like I'm having to deal with the aftermath, meaning my own issues that have developed as a result of the drama. The main issue is that I find myself questioning everybody's honesty. People that don't deserve it. People that have never lied to me. I FEEL untrusting and my mind does tell me that I'm trippin. But emotionally, I feel so afraid of being the dummy to the degree that I was before.

Boyfriend came over a few nights ago, and he did take the time to validate me. We have spent so much time being frusterated with each other as a result of me having unfulfilled expectations of him, and him dealing with his own drama.. that I had been telling myself for quite some time, that he really isn't all that "into me". The more I have been convinced of that, the more I have withdrawn from him. I have not given up, and I have not moved on, but the distant has been growing.

When he came over.. I had a chance to talk about ME and how I have been feeling about life in general. I can not describe how wonderful it felt, to cry on him, and let it all out. For him to BE THERE for me in a moment like that, meant a lot to me. Once again, the physical did not happen. But we talked about it, and I have a better understanding. He basically blamed me. LOL

He said I don't look at him the same way that I used to, and I know this is true. I think I have been looking at him with eyes full of resentment and disappointment, instead of the adoring eyes I started out with.

I can't change the way I look at him, until our relationship changes.

I want him to give me face time. I want him all up in my business more. I want to know that if I am feeling really needy and dying to see him, that he will drop everything to be with me! (yeah okay, that last one is probably not ever going to happen, but it would make me feel special)

Its been kindof a struggle to stay faithful and tuned in, with us being so distant most of the time. I'm shocked to find that it's not automatic for me to stay blindly loyal. What I mean is, when we are especially distant, I start thinking that i need to meet someone new. This is because in those moments, I am just SURE that we are not going to make it! Not because of me. Because of him. I am a person who values a good thing. And I do know a good thing when I have it. I would do anything for him. Thats the girlfriend that I am.

I am going on a trip in a couple of weeks. I will be seeing old friends and some old boyfriends/flings. Basically, whoever has bothered to stay in touch with me, is who I will be seeing while there. At first I was thinking it would be very hard for me to be a GOOD girlfriend while there. I've been mulling it over for a while, because I know I have to have my mind made up BEFORE I get there, or I will be swayed. There was a long period of time in this relationship where I was just sure we were about to be over. I don't feel that way right now. But it seems like he does step it up right when I'm about to get to steppin.

I want to be the best girlfriend/SO ever! But not to be the fool. Not to invest in a losing venture!

The reason I stick around is because we have developed a friendship that surpasses almost every friendship with a man that i have had so far in life. I can see that friendship carrying us through the years. I can see it being the foundation for a lasting and beautiful union for us.

Another thought worth mentioning is that I am sick of people's attitudes when it comes to relationships/marriages. When it gets hard? Just quit. Don't worry about it. I don't feel that way about this relationship. In fact, I feel this relationship is a crossroads in my life.