What it would be like to be a lesbian.
I found this series on Logo online called Gimmee Sugar. It is a reality type series about a group of lesbians, and their drama.
After watching 3 or 4 episodes, I realized I had barely seen a hint of a man on the show. Then I thought about how these women seem to live their lives with NO MEN. period. A manless life.
Then I thought about how wouldn't that be nice. LOL Not to be constantly trying to figure out and relate to a person (man) who is so different than you.
These women are all friends, like girls can be, but then of course, I guess they finger bang each other and make out and stuff. (the show does not show any of that).
The more I watched it, the more i liked the comaraderie of the women, and the dynamic when men aren't involved.
I'm no lesbian. But for some reason, the show made me feel like being a lesbian is cool. LOL
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A Good Time Was Had By All
Today was my oldest son's 12th birthday.
It was a sortof strange feeling.. sitting here with my ex husband AND baby daddy, and the 4 kids i have with them.
It was cool. Baby daddy came over a few hrs early and helped me to decorate. We were both in a good mood, so it was fun to hang out. He's getting more comfortable being more familiar acting with me. Meaning? Just finding reasons to touch me, and made reference to some mutual masterbation routine we used to have back in the day. Ahhhh the bad ol days. LOL
We mentioned how he hasn't been able to listen to John Legend's first album since we broke up because every song reminds him of us falling in love back in the day. The feeling is mutual. I can't listen to that stuff either.
He informed me he does not have plans for July 4 afternoon/evening, so we may hang out. We picked up our kids from daycare together today, and it was an odd feeling US picking up OUR kids. I wish he wasn't such a shitty person. Sometimes our eyes connect and I feel this old familiar feeling.
But despite any of all that, I have to always assume he is lying about everything at all times. That kindof sucks the fun out of everything. Makes it hollow.
So back to the birthday, I got my son a pair of heelys and some clothes. I encouraged everyone else to give money because he REALLY wants a Nintendo dsi. He has $120 already, so hopefully he will earn the rest from me, and realize the value of a dollar!
My cousin was here for the birthday. Her and baby daddy do NOT get along. However, they both played VERY nice, and I was overjoyed that it wasn't tense or weird. I need all these people to be able to mix without war taking place.
Me and boyfriend haven't spoken at all in well over 24hrs. Not sure how I feel about it. I thought I would feel more devestated. I think a part of me feels that since he was willing to suggest us breaking up, instead of compromising with me about the holiday, that he CLEARLY does not care about me very much. And maybe he really just doesn't. I have always taken his words at face value, but his actions don't necessarily match his words, so that has undermined things.
I don't want to make a mistake, and i don't think he does either. Whether the mistake be that we force a relationship, or the mistake being that we end a great relationship.
I worry that he won't ever know how to make me a priority. Even if we lived in the same house.
I have heard constantly, for quite some time, that if a man wants a woman he will do ANYTHING to have her. So I guess if dude can't even cancel plans with some random folks, and our relationship is that disposable.. what can I do? I can't do anything. Makes me sad:(
It was a sortof strange feeling.. sitting here with my ex husband AND baby daddy, and the 4 kids i have with them.
It was cool. Baby daddy came over a few hrs early and helped me to decorate. We were both in a good mood, so it was fun to hang out. He's getting more comfortable being more familiar acting with me. Meaning? Just finding reasons to touch me, and made reference to some mutual masterbation routine we used to have back in the day. Ahhhh the bad ol days. LOL
We mentioned how he hasn't been able to listen to John Legend's first album since we broke up because every song reminds him of us falling in love back in the day. The feeling is mutual. I can't listen to that stuff either.
He informed me he does not have plans for July 4 afternoon/evening, so we may hang out. We picked up our kids from daycare together today, and it was an odd feeling US picking up OUR kids. I wish he wasn't such a shitty person. Sometimes our eyes connect and I feel this old familiar feeling.
But despite any of all that, I have to always assume he is lying about everything at all times. That kindof sucks the fun out of everything. Makes it hollow.
So back to the birthday, I got my son a pair of heelys and some clothes. I encouraged everyone else to give money because he REALLY wants a Nintendo dsi. He has $120 already, so hopefully he will earn the rest from me, and realize the value of a dollar!
My cousin was here for the birthday. Her and baby daddy do NOT get along. However, they both played VERY nice, and I was overjoyed that it wasn't tense or weird. I need all these people to be able to mix without war taking place.
Me and boyfriend haven't spoken at all in well over 24hrs. Not sure how I feel about it. I thought I would feel more devestated. I think a part of me feels that since he was willing to suggest us breaking up, instead of compromising with me about the holiday, that he CLEARLY does not care about me very much. And maybe he really just doesn't. I have always taken his words at face value, but his actions don't necessarily match his words, so that has undermined things.
I don't want to make a mistake, and i don't think he does either. Whether the mistake be that we force a relationship, or the mistake being that we end a great relationship.
I worry that he won't ever know how to make me a priority. Even if we lived in the same house.
I have heard constantly, for quite some time, that if a man wants a woman he will do ANYTHING to have her. So I guess if dude can't even cancel plans with some random folks, and our relationship is that disposable.. what can I do? I can't do anything. Makes me sad:(
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
AGAIN
Me and boyfriend are on a "break" or it may possibly be a "break up" again.
Is it just me, or is 9 months a decent timeframe of being exclusive, where people actually consider each other on the holidays and stuff like that?
Turns out I have no plans for July 4. Every person I have spoken to recently that already has plans says, "what is boyfriend doing?" So, I finally asked him what he is doing. He is spending the day with some random parents and kids from his 3yr olds ballet class. Yeah. Never checked for me or what I'm doing.
So I express how this makes me feel, and he responds with something like, "maybe we should just end this now".
I feel, that if this FUCKER loved me, and in seeing just HOW upset this all has made me, he would happily cancel with those people and make plans with me. I AM HIS GIRLFRIEND OF 9 MONTHS. HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! We have treated this relationship like we have a future together. But obviously that is VERY one sided. A man that had found the right woman, or even a SIGNIFICANT woman, would choose her over some casual acquaintances. I felt he should have jumped in his car, drove over here, and let me know that I am loved, and that I am important. Instead? He threw in the towel WITH NO ARGUEMENT.
WOW i say.
Even though I am sitting here trying to convince myself that he does care for me, and maybe I'm trippin.. every time I think about how he so quickly threw that out there, I have to recognize, HE SUGGESTED BREAKING UP RATHER THAN COMPROMISE. What does that say about our relationship? I am to be the constant great compromiser, and its his way or the high way?? What kindof life is that for ANYONE?
I don't know. I'm on the fence. I am afraid for our relationship to end. I love him very much, and I feel that him being my man has been a positive in general. But I can't just be treated in any kindof way. And neglect is a form of abuse. period.
Onto other things, talked to babydaddy tonight for a bit. It started out pretty snarky because he was supposed to come over today and cancelled. He has lied so much in the past, that i don't believe anything he says. His excuse would be reasonable coming from someone else, but not him.
I did not jump his ass, but I let him know that was fucked up. He tried to talk over me and get the upper hand. I then burst into tears and told him I am not a door mat and I am FUCKING SICK of people walking all over me!!! Boyfriend fucking does it all the time. I am so nice and patient. I never get to decide anything. I just have to go along with what he decides. With babydaddy, he takes the bully stance with me. I tearfully explained to him that I feel mistreated lately by a couple of people, (including him), and NEWS FLASH. I GET TO HAVE A VOICE IN MY OWN LIFE. IF PEOPLE CAN NOT TREAT ME WITH LOVE AND CARE THEY CAN FUCKING PISS OFF!!
Something I said worked, because he lowered his tone, and softened it as well. Sometimes I think people see me as stone cold or something. I may seem "strong" to people because of all my responsibilities. However, I am a big cry baby and a fragile girl sometimes. I really do try to be fair with people and show love as much as possible.
The fact that I have no plans this weekend, that my own boyfriend has no time or desire to see me, as well as the fact I evidently have no friends.. it is causing me to feel both depressed and desperate.
I try to be insightful and I am constantly trying to gain perspective on how people perceive me, but I guess I am clueless. I am thinking I am not very likeable. Thats a fucked up thing to be figuring out at age 33.
Anyway, babydaddy is coming over tomorrow, and I will be glad to at least feel a hug and some adult interaction with someone besides my boss.
I don't know what my problem is. I suck!!
Is it just me, or is 9 months a decent timeframe of being exclusive, where people actually consider each other on the holidays and stuff like that?
Turns out I have no plans for July 4. Every person I have spoken to recently that already has plans says, "what is boyfriend doing?" So, I finally asked him what he is doing. He is spending the day with some random parents and kids from his 3yr olds ballet class. Yeah. Never checked for me or what I'm doing.
So I express how this makes me feel, and he responds with something like, "maybe we should just end this now".
I feel, that if this FUCKER loved me, and in seeing just HOW upset this all has made me, he would happily cancel with those people and make plans with me. I AM HIS GIRLFRIEND OF 9 MONTHS. HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! We have treated this relationship like we have a future together. But obviously that is VERY one sided. A man that had found the right woman, or even a SIGNIFICANT woman, would choose her over some casual acquaintances. I felt he should have jumped in his car, drove over here, and let me know that I am loved, and that I am important. Instead? He threw in the towel WITH NO ARGUEMENT.
WOW i say.
Even though I am sitting here trying to convince myself that he does care for me, and maybe I'm trippin.. every time I think about how he so quickly threw that out there, I have to recognize, HE SUGGESTED BREAKING UP RATHER THAN COMPROMISE. What does that say about our relationship? I am to be the constant great compromiser, and its his way or the high way?? What kindof life is that for ANYONE?
I don't know. I'm on the fence. I am afraid for our relationship to end. I love him very much, and I feel that him being my man has been a positive in general. But I can't just be treated in any kindof way. And neglect is a form of abuse. period.
Onto other things, talked to babydaddy tonight for a bit. It started out pretty snarky because he was supposed to come over today and cancelled. He has lied so much in the past, that i don't believe anything he says. His excuse would be reasonable coming from someone else, but not him.
I did not jump his ass, but I let him know that was fucked up. He tried to talk over me and get the upper hand. I then burst into tears and told him I am not a door mat and I am FUCKING SICK of people walking all over me!!! Boyfriend fucking does it all the time. I am so nice and patient. I never get to decide anything. I just have to go along with what he decides. With babydaddy, he takes the bully stance with me. I tearfully explained to him that I feel mistreated lately by a couple of people, (including him), and NEWS FLASH. I GET TO HAVE A VOICE IN MY OWN LIFE. IF PEOPLE CAN NOT TREAT ME WITH LOVE AND CARE THEY CAN FUCKING PISS OFF!!
Something I said worked, because he lowered his tone, and softened it as well. Sometimes I think people see me as stone cold or something. I may seem "strong" to people because of all my responsibilities. However, I am a big cry baby and a fragile girl sometimes. I really do try to be fair with people and show love as much as possible.
The fact that I have no plans this weekend, that my own boyfriend has no time or desire to see me, as well as the fact I evidently have no friends.. it is causing me to feel both depressed and desperate.
I try to be insightful and I am constantly trying to gain perspective on how people perceive me, but I guess I am clueless. I am thinking I am not very likeable. Thats a fucked up thing to be figuring out at age 33.
Anyway, babydaddy is coming over tomorrow, and I will be glad to at least feel a hug and some adult interaction with someone besides my boss.
I don't know what my problem is. I suck!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)