A Good Time Was Had By All

Today was my oldest son's 12th birthday.

It was a sortof strange feeling.. sitting here with my ex husband AND baby daddy, and the 4 kids i have with them.

It was cool. Baby daddy came over a few hrs early and helped me to decorate. We were both in a good mood, so it was fun to hang out. He's getting more comfortable being more familiar acting with me. Meaning? Just finding reasons to touch me, and made reference to some mutual masterbation routine we used to have back in the day. Ahhhh the bad ol days. LOL

We mentioned how he hasn't been able to listen to John Legend's first album since we broke up because every song reminds him of us falling in love back in the day. The feeling is mutual. I can't listen to that stuff either.

He informed me he does not have plans for July 4 afternoon/evening, so we may hang out. We picked up our kids from daycare together today, and it was an odd feeling US picking up OUR kids. I wish he wasn't such a shitty person. Sometimes our eyes connect and I feel this old familiar feeling.

But despite any of all that, I have to always assume he is lying about everything at all times. That kindof sucks the fun out of everything. Makes it hollow.

So back to the birthday, I got my son a pair of heelys and some clothes. I encouraged everyone else to give money because he REALLY wants a Nintendo dsi. He has $120 already, so hopefully he will earn the rest from me, and realize the value of a dollar!

My cousin was here for the birthday. Her and baby daddy do NOT get along. However, they both played VERY nice, and I was overjoyed that it wasn't tense or weird. I need all these people to be able to mix without war taking place.

Me and boyfriend haven't spoken at all in well over 24hrs. Not sure how I feel about it. I thought I would feel more devestated. I think a part of me feels that since he was willing to suggest us breaking up, instead of compromising with me about the holiday, that he CLEARLY does not care about me very much. And maybe he really just doesn't. I have always taken his words at face value, but his actions don't necessarily match his words, so that has undermined things.

I don't want to make a mistake, and i don't think he does either. Whether the mistake be that we force a relationship, or the mistake being that we end a great relationship.

I worry that he won't ever know how to make me a priority. Even if we lived in the same house.

I have heard constantly, for quite some time, that if a man wants a woman he will do ANYTHING to have her. So I guess if dude can't even cancel plans with some random folks, and our relationship is that disposable.. what can I do? I can't do anything. Makes me sad:(