AGAIN

Me and boyfriend are on a "break" or it may possibly be a "break up" again.

Is it just me, or is 9 months a decent timeframe of being exclusive, where people actually consider each other on the holidays and stuff like that?

Turns out I have no plans for July 4. Every person I have spoken to recently that already has plans says, "what is boyfriend doing?" So, I finally asked him what he is doing. He is spending the day with some random parents and kids from his 3yr olds ballet class. Yeah. Never checked for me or what I'm doing.

So I express how this makes me feel, and he responds with something like, "maybe we should just end this now".

I feel, that if this FUCKER loved me, and in seeing just HOW upset this all has made me, he would happily cancel with those people and make plans with me. I AM HIS GIRLFRIEND OF 9 MONTHS. HELLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! We have treated this relationship like we have a future together. But obviously that is VERY one sided. A man that had found the right woman, or even a SIGNIFICANT woman, would choose her over some casual acquaintances. I felt he should have jumped in his car, drove over here, and let me know that I am loved, and that I am important. Instead? He threw in the towel WITH NO ARGUEMENT.

WOW i say.

Even though I am sitting here trying to convince myself that he does care for me, and maybe I'm trippin.. every time I think about how he so quickly threw that out there, I have to recognize, HE SUGGESTED BREAKING UP RATHER THAN COMPROMISE. What does that say about our relationship? I am to be the constant great compromiser, and its his way or the high way?? What kindof life is that for ANYONE?

I don't know. I'm on the fence. I am afraid for our relationship to end. I love him very much, and I feel that him being my man has been a positive in general. But I can't just be treated in any kindof way. And neglect is a form of abuse. period.

Onto other things, talked to babydaddy tonight for a bit. It started out pretty snarky because he was supposed to come over today and cancelled. He has lied so much in the past, that i don't believe anything he says. His excuse would be reasonable coming from someone else, but not him.

I did not jump his ass, but I let him know that was fucked up. He tried to talk over me and get the upper hand. I then burst into tears and told him I am not a door mat and I am FUCKING SICK of people walking all over me!!! Boyfriend fucking does it all the time. I am so nice and patient. I never get to decide anything. I just have to go along with what he decides. With babydaddy, he takes the bully stance with me. I tearfully explained to him that I feel mistreated lately by a couple of people, (including him), and NEWS FLASH. I GET TO HAVE A VOICE IN MY OWN LIFE. IF PEOPLE CAN NOT TREAT ME WITH LOVE AND CARE THEY CAN FUCKING PISS OFF!!

Something I said worked, because he lowered his tone, and softened it as well. Sometimes I think people see me as stone cold or something. I may seem "strong" to people because of all my responsibilities. However, I am a big cry baby and a fragile girl sometimes. I really do try to be fair with people and show love as much as possible.

The fact that I have no plans this weekend, that my own boyfriend has no time or desire to see me, as well as the fact I evidently have no friends.. it is causing me to feel both depressed and desperate.

I try to be insightful and I am constantly trying to gain perspective on how people perceive me, but I guess I am clueless. I am thinking I am not very likeable. Thats a fucked up thing to be figuring out at age 33.

Anyway, babydaddy is coming over tomorrow, and I will be glad to at least feel a hug and some adult interaction with someone besides my boss.

I don't know what my problem is. I suck!!